The Species in Foghorn Awake From Hibernation

We (the drug smugglers) have heard just microseconds ago that all the species in Foghorn have awoken from a 4.5-month hibernation that lasted from November 3rd to March 26th. The yaks, emus, llamas, zebras, mooses, musk oxen, zeubs, elephants, walruses, lemmings, and air hogs woke up within a few seconds of each other, and immediately started commenting on the color of blue paint, and questioning the morality of Daylight Savings Time. Soon, they got bored with all this pointless banter and started wondering how many of the animals had actually hibernated.

It turned out that the actual percentage of animals who hibernated was much higher than the predicted percentage. It was predicted that 68.7239% of all the animals in Foghorn would hibernate, and the actual percentage was 99.9993%. Of all the yaks, emus, llamas, zebras, mooses, musk oxen, zeubs, elephants, walruses, lemmings, and air hogs, Wak the Yak was the only one not to hibernate. For six and a half months, Wak the Yak worked non-stop on his book about the history of the T.W.O.W. Then after reading his book, he was struck by how bloody and violent the T.W.O.W. had been. He became a devout pacifist (but still a devout Communist) and swore to put an end to the T.W.O.W. He signed a peace treaty with himself, ending the T.W.O.W.

When the species in Foghorn realized what Wak the Yak had done, they immediately decided to restart the T.W.O.W. "I is meanings, we is cannot be stopping them T.W.O.W., at least not yet," said Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu. "I is meanings, we didn't not us have 'nof, action. We is needings them war be going on much more longer." Zyggi the Zebra made a much simpler statement: "It ain't over until it's over." Thus the Communists and Cap't'lists signed a non-peace treaty. Here it is, reproduced verbatum for your pleasure:

Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R and Cap't'lists Peace Treaty

I. It's not over

P.S. We love all of you except the people who we don' t like

Wak the Yak is currently being held in the local jail of Montreal, with Bewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu. The two are currently playing a game of Monopoly. Wak the Yak currently has $384, has bought Kentucky Avenue, Park Place, Baltic Avenue, and Boardwalk, and he has a house on Park Place. Bewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu has $495, has bought Mediterranean Avenue, Kentucky Avenue, Reading Railroad, Connecticut Avenue, Oriental Avenue, and Vermont Avenue, and he has a house on Connecticut Avenue and Vermont Avenue.


As for Jacob and Benjy, they did not hibernate, but they don't count since they're not animals. What they are, it's difficult to say. To keep themselves busy while their friends were hibernating, they played with a 6-sided die that they had confiscated from Jak the Yak while he was hibernating. The die was made from old pencil shavings, 38-carat gold, and salad dressing. If the die landed on 1, 2, or 3, Jacob earned one point. If the die landed on 4,5, or 6, Benjy got one point. At the point where the animals woke from hibernation, the score was tied, with each having 8,271 points. Once Jak the Yak realized that his die was stolen, he immediately demanded it back. Jacob and Benjy replied, saying that they would give the die back if Jak the Yak could beat them in a game. The game would be played like this: if the dice landed on a 1, 2, or 3, Jak the Yak would get one point. If the dice landed on a 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, or 6, Jacob and Benjy would get two points. Jacob and Benjy are currently waiting for Jak the Yak's reply.

It is not known where Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ currently are. There is one rumor that they are eating snow in Alaska, and another rumor that they are swimming in the middle of the Laptev Sea.

Now that the T.W.O.W. has started again, the Communists and Cap't'lists are debating where to have the fourth battle. Similarly, the E.U.G.W.J. and the MCAS are debating where to have the third battle of Hilda. We will continue to update you as the news comes.