The T.W.O.W. Begins

First Battle of T.W.O.W.
Place: Montreal
Date: September 1, 2005
Casualties:
Communists:1
Cap't'lists: 0
Total Casuatlies: 1
Date: 9/1/2005

Today, in Montreal, the armies of the Cap't'lists and Communists met to begin the first battle, and mass crowds came to watcth the battle, and also to see the Post-Battle Show. Jak the Yak, Nüt, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, and Zyggi the Zebra were in front of the Communists, carry banners showing their side, their favorite baseball teams, and their favorite rock bands. Smorgasborg, Ølåf, Idyll Brown, and Idyl Brownn marched in through the opposite direction, carrying similar banners. Hnorsgh, being a coward, chose to watch the battle from the sidelines. Then Wak the Yak, the official spokesman for the Communists, sad, "Heys all of usses Comrades. We is all here to get us selves a waarr started, yaa." Then he began to list the leaders of the Communists and Cap't'lists, along with their titles, such as Expert Vole Paulter and Holder of the Record for most Sandwiches eaten in 30 Minutes. Just before the battle was about to begin, Jak the Yak and Smorgasborg got into an argument on which one can shoot better. It was only necessary they resolve the argument, to a target was placed 100 yards away for them to it, and the first one to hit it wins. Pretty soon both had used up their ammunition, to they decided to start a campaign to get more. Signs were put around the battlefield saying "give Jak the Yak and Smorgasborg all your ammunition, for the good of your country." Within seconds, they had everyone's guns. For an hour, they tried to hit the target, and they never hit it, but Jak the Yak was came with 200 feet of the target. At last, they exhausted all of the bullets, and they were forced to stop.

At this point, Wak the Yak decided that now that he had seen the true horrors of war, he could no longer bear to live. Using his secret bullet, he shot himself in between the eyes. Before he died, he told Smak the yak to take his place and his cat. There was a 15-minute funeral for Wak the Yak, and many long odes about him, which were mostly complaints about the Montreal plumbing system. After the funeral, Wak the Yak's body was burned, and his ashes were scattered in random places around the world, after everyone made sure that no one lived within five miles of those places. Then a law was made saying that anyone who mentioned Wak the Yak would be sentenced to 10 years in prison. "We's all mourninges them death o' Wak the Yak," said Bewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu's cousin. "In fact, I's almost sad." Then he started to wonder if he was really almost sad, but the police came and took him away before he could make up his mind.

Now the Communists and Cap't'lists started to wonder how they would fight, since they didn't have any more bullets. After many long and heated discussions, they decided they would have a three-day competition to decide who would win. Tomorrow, they would have a handshake duel, and they day after tomorrow, they would have a mind-wrestling competition. If any side won both those competitions, they would win the battle, and if not, they would have a fool fight on September 4, and whoever won the fool fight would win the battle. A fool fight is where you throw fools around until someone realizes that this is a foolish thing to do, and that person wins. Only the leader of the Communists and Cap't'lists will participate. Then another discussion arose: what do they get if they win? So far, no one had asked that question, since no one really cared, but now people asked that question. Another long and heated discussion arose, in which some insults were thrown, but eventually they came to a decision. The winning side of the battle would get a used copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, a baseball card of Willie Mays, and sole possession of the Montreal City Dump. The leaders of the Communists and Cap't'lists are currently preparing for the three-day competition.