Jåçøb Found - In Separate Pieces
Today, slightly after three in the morning, Jåçøb, the co-leader of the MCAS, was found in an abandoned alleyway reading They Come and Go by Larry Forsschvhan wearing Mickey Mouse pajamas and a dunce cap. He was found in separate pieces. Such pieces included a strand of hair that, Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, a piece of Jåçøb's crystal ball, the Shed, Jåçøb's night light and a small colony of Zambian Gnus. Jåçøb was found by a group of 17 neo-conservatives who are rumored to work for the MCAS, shipped off in a matchbox, and taken to the MCAS's headquarters, which is in the Middle of the Rio Grande. Once Jåçøb had stopped preteding to be a muskrat and after the neo-conservatives took the matches out, Jåçøb immediately began to recount his adventures for the past 12 days. His story went something like this, the dashes representing Jåçøb's occasional heart attack:
"I's them found them World Hea - kkkzhth Organization them taking me in a laage backpack. I's being carried by them for sssss - schzpventy miles. After that darn while, I arrives at them's headquarters. They takes me and they q'estions me. I t - lmbrellls 'em not'n'. So they puts them Mickey Mouse pajamas and a dunce cap on me, an'I still tells 'em not'n'. Then they q'estions me for 'leven days straight: No stopp'n', no rest'n', no even myself time to thinkin' about them weather patterns. After 'while, they's decidin', an' t-t - tthhhe'ys decidin' that they's don't have no use for me, 'koz they hain't got no use for me. No is' bein' sorta annoyed b'this, 'koz y'know, I don' feel like feelin' useless, 'koz I hain't got no cause to feel like feelin' useless. So I says, 'Y'wanna piece o'me?' And they says, 'Sure, we'd like a piece o'ya,' and they takes a piece o'me, just like that." At this point he clapped his hands together to represent a garden hose having an meaningful conversation with a pickup truck. Then he continued. "So a'this point, them peoples from them World Hea - kkkzhth Organization starts debating what they sh'do with me, and in th'end, they decides that they hain't got no use for me, so they dumps me in an'abandoned alleyway, with all the pieces'o'me, then they puts me in sev'r'l pieces, and they gives me this book, they says 'in case ya'get booorred'. So I gets all such-an'-such int'r'sted in th'book, so I starts readin', 'til ya'guys come, and takes me here. So that's th'end o'my story."
At this point, Bêñjÿ came out of Nowhere, a popular trading ground in Kansas for baseball drugs and illegal cards, and said hello to Jåçøb, and asked him where he's been for the past 12 days. Jåçøb repeated his story. Then Bêñjÿ scolded Jåçøb for not trying to escape. "Yii kuud'v 'scaaep'd enii teim y'wann'd t'," Bêñjÿ explained, "ahll it'tuuk 'sum kuraj 'n'wiht." Then Jåçøb explained that he had been strapped in, and that the straps had been nailed to the floor with 16-ton nails. Then Bêñjÿ said that he was sorry about falsely accusing Jåçøb, and Jåçøb immediately forgave Bêñjÿ for falsely accusing him. Then the two went into their private conference room, which was in the middle of the street, and began discussing and urgent situation: It is rumored that Jacob and Benjy are going to try to get the MCAS disbanded again, and Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ have to thwart their plans this time. Also, they need to develop a strategy for the second battle of Hilda, which will be in 13 days. Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ's plan, as they recently have said, is "likely to succeed". The third battle of the T.W.O.W. will take place in 8 days, on the October 10.
"I's them found them World Hea - kkkzhth Organization them taking me in a laage backpack. I's being carried by them for sssss - schzpventy miles. After that darn while, I arrives at them's headquarters. They takes me and they q'estions me. I t - lmbrellls 'em not'n'. So they puts them Mickey Mouse pajamas and a dunce cap on me, an'I still tells 'em not'n'. Then they q'estions me for 'leven days straight: No stopp'n', no rest'n', no even myself time to thinkin' about them weather patterns. After 'while, they's decidin', an' t-t - tthhhe'ys decidin' that they's don't have no use for me, 'koz they hain't got no use for me. No is' bein' sorta annoyed b'this, 'koz y'know, I don' feel like feelin' useless, 'koz I hain't got no cause to feel like feelin' useless. So I says, 'Y'wanna piece o'me?' And they says, 'Sure, we'd like a piece o'ya,' and they takes a piece o'me, just like that." At this point he clapped his hands together to represent a garden hose having an meaningful conversation with a pickup truck. Then he continued. "So a'this point, them peoples from them World Hea - kkkzhth Organization starts debating what they sh'do with me, and in th'end, they decides that they hain't got no use for me, so they dumps me in an'abandoned alleyway, with all the pieces'o'me, then they puts me in sev'r'l pieces, and they gives me this book, they says 'in case ya'get booorred'. So I gets all such-an'-such int'r'sted in th'book, so I starts readin', 'til ya'guys come, and takes me here. So that's th'end o'my story."
At this point, Bêñjÿ came out of Nowhere, a popular trading ground in Kansas for baseball drugs and illegal cards, and said hello to Jåçøb, and asked him where he's been for the past 12 days. Jåçøb repeated his story. Then Bêñjÿ scolded Jåçøb for not trying to escape. "Yii kuud'v 'scaaep'd enii teim y'wann'd t'," Bêñjÿ explained, "ahll it'tuuk 'sum kuraj 'n'wiht." Then Jåçøb explained that he had been strapped in, and that the straps had been nailed to the floor with 16-ton nails. Then Bêñjÿ said that he was sorry about falsely accusing Jåçøb, and Jåçøb immediately forgave Bêñjÿ for falsely accusing him. Then the two went into their private conference room, which was in the middle of the street, and began discussing and urgent situation: It is rumored that Jacob and Benjy are going to try to get the MCAS disbanded again, and Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ have to thwart their plans this time. Also, they need to develop a strategy for the second battle of Hilda, which will be in 13 days. Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ's plan, as they recently have said, is "likely to succeed". The third battle of the T.W.O.W. will take place in 8 days, on the October 10.
posted by Jaja at 10/02/2005 01:45:00 PM
Notify Blogger about objectionable content.
What does this mean? BlogThis!Foghorn
A team of drug smugglers led by Jaja Bebe hired a Boeing 747 to escape from Sydney but failed to leave because a policeman pulled them over. It turned out they were wanted by Interpol for the crimes of conspiring to kill the Mayor's pet mice, and illegally using their cousins as collateral on the house mortgage. For these crimes, Interpol had made them wanted men. They broke out of the maximum security prison, fled to Nepal and created this website in an attempt to throw off Interpol.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Jåçøb Found - In Several Pieces
Today, slightly after three in the morning, Jåçøb, the co-leader of the MCAS, was found in an abandoned alleyway reading They Come and Go by Larry Forsschvhan wearing Mickey Mouse pajamas and a dunce cap. He was also found in several pieces. Such pieces were a strand of hair that had fallen off of Jåçøb's head yesterday, Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, and a piece of Jåçøb. Jåçøb was found by a group of 17 neo-conservatives who are rumored to work for the MCAS, shipped off in a matchbox, and taken to the MCAS's headquarters, which is in the Middle of the Rio Grande. Once Jåçøb had stopped preteding to be a muskrat and after the neo-conservatives took the matches out, Jåçøb immediately began to recount his adventures for the past 12 days. His story went something like this, the dashes representing Jåçøb's occasional heart attack:
"I's them found them World Hea - kkkzhth Organization them taking me in a laage backpack. I's being carried by them for sssss - schzpventy miles. After that darn while, I arrives at them's headquarters. They takes me and they q'estions me. I t - lmbrellls 'em not'n'. So they puts them Mickey Mouse pajamas and a dunce cap on me, an'I still tells 'em not'n'. Then they q'estions me for 'leven days straight: No stopp'n', no rest'n', no even myself time to thinkin' about them weather patterns. After 'while, they's decidin', an' t-t - tthhhe'ys decidin' that they's don't have no use for me, 'koz they hain't got no use for me. No is' bein' sorta annoyed b'this, 'koz y'know, I don' feel like feelin' useless, 'koz I hain't got no cause to feel like feelin' useless. So I says, 'Y'wanna piece o'me?' And they says, 'Sure, we'd like a piece o'ya,' and they takes a piece o'me, just like that." At this point he clapped his hands together to represent a garden hose having an meaningful conversation with a pickup truck. Then he continued. "So a'this point, them peoples from them World Hea - kkkzhth Organization starts debating what they sh'do with me, and in th'end, they decides that they hain't got no use for me, so they dumps me in an'abandoned alleyway, with all the pieces'o'me, then they puts me in sev'r'l pieces, and they gives me this book, they says 'in case ya'get booorred'. So I gets all such-an'-such int'r'sted in th'book, so I starts readin', 'til ya'guys come, and takes me here. So that's th'end o'my story."
At this point, Bêñjÿ came out of Nowhere, a popular trading ground in Kansas for baseball drugs and illegal cards, and said hello to Jåçøb, and asked him where he's been for the past 12 days. Jåçøb repeated his story. Then Bêñjÿ scolded Jåçøb for not trying to escape. "Yii kuud'v 'scaaep'd enii teim y'wann'd t'," Bêñjÿ explained, "ahll it'tuuk 'sum kuraj 'n'wiht." Then Jåçøb explained that he had been strapped in, and that the straps had been nailed to the floor with 16-ton nails. Then Bêñjÿ said that he was sorry about falsely accusing Jåçøb, and Jåçøb immediately forgave Bêñjÿ for falsely accusing him. Then the two went into their private conference room, which was in the middle of the street, and began discussing and urgent situation: It is rumored that Jacob and Benjy are going to try to get the MCAS disbanded again, and Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ have to thwart their plans this time. Also, they need to develop a strategy for the second battle of Hilda, which will be in 13 days. Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ's plan, as they recently have said, is "likely to succeed". The third battle of the T.W.O.W. will take place in 8 days, on the October 10.
posted by Jaja at 2:45 PM 0 comments
Friday, September 30, 2005
The Llamas Consider Reverting to Anarchy
Today, at a press conference, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu announced that the llamas are considering reverting to anarchy again. His speech went something like this: "Them llamas is nots feeling goods so far 'bout that communism, not with theys peasants not likings that communism. And nows we is considering us going us back to that thing, anarchy, what months 'n' months 'go, we is livings by. We is used us living by anarchy what months 'n' months 'go, we is anarchists 'fore we is communists, and we's happies. And us people is them happy." Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu did not get any further before people started asking him if he'd like a lemon sherbert, and he was so overwhelmed that he immediately hid in front of the microphone.
It turns out that the llamas have been questioning the basis of communism for the past few days, not only because of the peasant revolt, but because of the works of Bewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu's cousin and former druggie. Bewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu has recently published a book called the Good Old Days, in which he describes how the llamas behaved before Communism, and why they should go back to anarchy. The llamas, being brainwashed upon their joining to the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R., which was called the W.X.Y.Z. at the time, have no memory of the pre-Communist days. But Bewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu escaped brainwashing, so he remebers, and his book has sparked back memories. "I feels like I's is almost remembering something," said a llama who wishes to remain anonymous for "confidential reasons".
Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu said after he had been finished being offered lemon sherbert that he is ambivalent to the new anarchist movement, but that only convinced people that he is all for it. In fact, in Zak the Yak's book about the history of the T.W.O.W. already says that the llamas are not currently affiliated with the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu then said that the llamas are only saying that they might consider reverting to anarchy, but that only increased the publics' opinion that the llamas are leaving the Communists.
As for the T.W.O.W., the third battle will definitely be in the Azores on October 10th. The second battle of the T.W.O.W. was declared a draw. The second battle of Hilda will presumably be on October 15th, in the same Montreal City Dump that the Communists got as a reward for winning the first battle of the T.W.O.W. The participants in the T.W.O.W. and Hilda are rarin' to go.
posted by Jaja at 5:38 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
The Septuplets
In light of recent events, Benjy has written a third part to his "the Apocalypse" series (see "Benjy writes the Cliffs"), called "the Septuplets". He says that the process is going "very slowly", having started writing "the Apocalypse" in mid-May, and only being on part 3 in late September, and he might abandon "the Apocalypse" soon. Here is the Septuplets:
Glued to the table,
The Eyes move South to the night –
Ever Growing West
Those Eyes are not His,
He moves East, onward to Plû;
For the sake of Yore.
The Abused Children;
He sees None of them, as He
Slinks along the Path
The Horses and Frogs:
They are Up with the Humans
For they have Manors.
The orange sun rose
Into the corners of Plû,
The Field of Rabbits
There it is, not far:
Only two days’ hike away,
As he Journeys On
He knows he has Cracked;
Like an Egg that has been Smashed –
But he does not Care.
Such is the Tide-Break
That he is hindered by None –
Causes Commotion
At last he is close;
He can Sense it with his Pus
Oozing out of Dark.
Then he sees the sight;
The feeling, the melting calm –
He knows he is Done
He sees: Two People
Clothed in linen and Fat grease
He knows who they are.
He says to the Two:
“There are seven. You are two.
How can this be true?”
The Two; they reply,
“Septuplet is Our last name.
That’s how it can be.”
“Now I understand
That you are going to try
To invade the Spa.”
He says in Surprise,
“No! I was going right now
To the Land of Death.”
They say in Chorus,
“Going involves invading.
Now, you, do you see?”
“Yes, I see,” he says,
Seeing, and, at the same time,
Not Seeing at all
posted by Jaja at 5:16 PM 5 comments
Monday, September 26, 2005
NEWS FLASH. NEWS FLASH. NEWS FLASH.
The leaders of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. met minutes ago in the Iouapthrhsh Peninsual, just southeast of Montreal, to discuss an amendment to the Zdydldedrish Constitution. After many weeks of debating, the amendment was agreed to look like this:
Amendment IX to the Zdydldedrish Consitution: Of the Standard Prodedure to Deal with Mass Revolts about the Government from Dudes
Proposed: September the Twenty-Sixth in the Year of Two Thousand and Five
1. All those dudes revolting, are to be classified as Type C Dangerous Subtances.
2. They shall further be stamped with little sticky notes that say "FRAGILE" and "THIS SIDE UP" and "BIODEGRADABLE THINGS ARE PLAIN OUT COOL".
3. If those dudes revolting complain about this being done to them, they shall be upgraded to Type D Dangerous Substances.
The amendment could take as short as 12 years or as long as 12 years and 3 weeks to be ratified and accepted into the Zdydldedrish Consitution
posted by Jaja at 7:57 PM 2 comments
Mass Peasant Revolt Leads to Questions About the Morality of Communism and the General Opinion of Communism
Today, at high noon, the largest peasant revolt in nearly five months occurred when nearly 756 peasants led by Fak the Yak joined in on a mass peasant revolt. The species of the revoltees were yaks, emus, llamas, and zebras. In this revolt, the peasants donned ragged toothpaste tubes, old 80's pop music CD's, and $1,000 dollar suits to represent their great poverty. Then, to represent the brutality imposed on them by the leaders of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R., they painted green streaks across their backs, their chests, their faces, and their pet cockroaches. They were going to paint red streaks to represent blood, but they thought that their revolt might get rated R if they did that. Then the peasants stated that they were revolting, and that if the government did not make an amendment to the Zdydldedrish Constitution*, they would actually put their revolt into action. The peasants started signing a 46-minute song about freedom and how their freedom is being taken away, 17 minutes into which government official came and bribed them to stop for "the sake of the common people".
Although this revolt is so far unsuccessful, it may take new ground in the future, and then the government might be forced to take real action, but this possibility is unlikely. The biggest danger is that the revolt will persuade many people to question morality of the government and the General opinion of communism. This does not mean the general opinion, as in the common opinion, but the opinion of Slak the Yak, the famous yak general for the Communists. Slak the Yak always supported communism. "Heys all of usses Comrades," he said once. "All of usses yauks. Wesis communists, yaaa. Andz wes all of usses should us selves be us communists, kauz it'zz riiet, yaaaaaaa." Now people are wondering if Slak the Yak was being bribed to say all this. The leaders of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. are all holding their breaths about the situation. Jak the Yak and Zyggi the Zebra have already passed out.
*Zdydldedrish Constitution (ZDID-l'd-ed-rish kaun-sti-TOO-shun): The consitution of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. A bit skewed and twisted.
posted by Jaja at 6:06 PM 0 comments
Friday, September 23, 2005
The Elephants Challenge the Lemmings for the Title of A.S.S.
Today, Idyll Brown and Idyl Brownn announced that they were challenging the Lemmings to the title of A.S.S in a public speech. It wasn't clear from their public speech that they were doing this, but they had so many signs showing "Lemmings = A.S.S." crossed out, and so many signs that said "Elephants = Real A.S.S." A.S.S. is an acronym for "Almighty Supreme Species", if you didn't already know. So far, since the Lemming Hypothesis was proved over three months ago, no species challenged the Lemmings to the title of A.S.S., but when the Lemmings won the first battle of Hilda, many people thought it had something to do with the Lemmings being the A.S.S. The elephants thought that if they became the A.S.S., they might have this power. So the elephants challenged the Lemmings to the title of A.S.S.
Immediately after Idyll Brown and Idyl Brownn's public speech, they began starting a mob of anit-Lemmingists determined to overthrow the Lemmings as A.S.S. They slowly chanted, "Bloop droop roopa moopi loop." Those who were too young or too important to prounce the OO sound could replace them with OU's. The Lemmings were so alarmed by this mob that they decided to negotiate with them. Every month, the Elephants and Lemmings would have a three-hour debate about who is the A.S.S. This would go on until one party admits defeat. This will not be a full-scale war, since two wars are already going on. It will only be called a conflict. If a more intresting synonym for "conflict" is found, then it will be called that. The first three-hour debate will take place some time in October, and so will the second battle of Hilda.
posted by Jaja at 4:32 PM 5 comments
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Ål Wins the Cool Duel and Thus the E.U.G.W.J. Wins the First Battle of Hilda
Today, Ål and Bêñjÿ faced each other for the Cool Duel in which both people would attempt to ramble on and on about their life and still not bore their opponent. The Walrus, having no major part in the First Battle of Hilda so far, were allowed to be spectators for the cool duel. They were also allowed to make a grand opening for the Cool Duel. They did this by catapulting smokestacks at Ål and Bêñjÿ until the World Health Organization complained that Ål and Bêñjÿ might get the flu. These smokestacks were imported directly from Norway, the word "directly" meaning that Sveq carried them with his tusks from Norway to Northern Canada in a perfectly straight line, swimming across the Norwegain Sea, walking across Greenland, and finally, after some more swimming and walking, arrived in th'Høl. The entire catapulting process had took 3 hours and 41 minutes.
After this fiasco, the Cool Duel really started. Ål and Bêñjÿ faced each other, turned their backs, took three steps, faced each other again, took three steps toward each other, and began telling each other about their life's stories, their secret ambitions, and their least favorite volleyball teams. Ål's story began thus: "I arest thy Lemmings. I was born by thy Lemmings, raised by thy Lemmings, and taught how to do a good goose imitation by thy Lemmings. I wast born in a log cabin five miles north of Elsewhere, the Next Great City. Mine family doest careth for me as they dist whenst I werest but an kipling." Bêñjÿ did not get bored, but the Walrus did, so bored that they started falling asleep, dying, or going out of their minds. Going out of your mind is an unusual experience, quite unlike having your mind go out of your body. When you go out of your mind, your body moves five feet to the left, and your brain falls down onto the ground before it gets taken away by a herd of wild cabbages. However, at this point, Bêñjÿ began.
He said, "Eii waarz bo'orghn reeit ne'ix to a gorr'ej t'enny feiit de'ip an' thraee feiit weide. Azh sho'oorn azh eii waarz bo'orghn, meii paaringtz domp'phd meii eenta th'gorr'ej." Then Bêñjÿ went on to a fifty-minute story about how he was found later by a group of eight-foot-tall fanatics who brought him up as a carving knife. Ål could not help but get bored, and thus, he won. It was debated for a while whether there should be some sort of prize for winning, but it was eventually decided that in an economical war, you fight and try to win for "a greater good". The E.U.G.W.J.'s victory has made some people wonder whether is has something to do with Lemmings owning you, and soon some species might challenge the Lemmings as the A.S.S. in hopes to gain power. The third battle of the T.W.O.W. will still take place on October 10th in the Azores.
posted by Jaja at 6:42 PM 1 comments
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Hilda Begins
After the rain cleared up after being paid $5,000, the battle could finally start. For a good 2 hours and 27 minutes, the E.U.G.W.J. and MCAS all just stared at each other, unsure of what to do. This was because they didn't know what "economical" meant (they had only picked that word because its number of letters was exactly 5% of the number of children Ål had), so they were not sure what to do. Then, in a spurt of realization, Mål, Ål's third cousin and former bookie, picked up a stack of 100-dollar bills and threw it at Jåçøb. Jåçøb immedately screamed, commented on what a nice day it was, and then collapsed onto the ground, but not before saying, "I'll be back." It turned out that to Jåçøb, the phrase "I'll be back" referred not to the fact that Jåçøb would wake up, it referred to the fact that Jåçøb was in fact, as the World Health Organization had suspected, a very small virus masquerading as Jåçøb. With Jåçøb temporarily out of the battle, everyone muttered their apologies, even the ones who hadn't done anything, and the battle continued.
Now everyone began seriously debating what the battle was about. For a while, they were satisfied that it was about throwing money, but that sounded too much like something out of the most watched show on Lemming T.V., "I Hate Every Last One of You Except for Clarence". Thus, 3 hours and 14 minutes of debating ensued, 3 hours and 5 minutes of which were silence. Then, at last, a decision was reached - they would argue about the political implications of free-market economies, the rising price of guavas, and the meaning of the word "Go", among other things.
The debate about the political implications of free-market economies began when representatives from the World Health Organization burst in and took Jåçøb away in a large backpack. After that interruption, Uål, Ål's underachieving personal nail clipper suggested that he clip Ål's nails. The E.U.G.W.J. and MCAS stood in disbelief as Uål proceeded to clip Ål's nails with a zeal unmatched since the time of Ål's grandfather, Gregor III. After that interuption, Bêñjÿ had this to say about the political implications of free-market economies, "F'ee maa'kit iconn'meez s'baad. T't'they'z 'orgible." At this point, Queen Elizabeth XXVIII could not take this blunt statement anymore and she kicked Bêñjÿ in the big toe. But Bêñjÿ nevertheless continued. "Eii 'aets'em. Eii kazn't starnd'em. Eii wontz'em ahll dea'd." Seeing this quarrel elevate to an unthinkable maximum, Jacob and Benjy had to intevene. They announced that the First battle of Hilda would be decided in a one-event competition. This would be called "the Cool Duel." In the Cool Duel, Ål and Bêñjÿ would face each other, turn their backs, take three steps, face each other again, take three steps toward each other, and begin telling each other about their life's stories, their secret ambitions, and their least favorite volleyball teams. The first one to get bored would win. The competition will take place tomorrow.
The Walrus are shocked by the outcome of this first battle, but in the end they said it was only natural for it to end this way. Sveq said at a press conference today, "This firs' battle 'snatural. 'Snormal. This battle 'llbring naturalness 'n'normality to all o'th'Walrus. I's greatly excited." As for the second battle of the T.W.O.W., it was declared over, since the leaders of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. and the Cap't'lists are still wandering after five days. The third battle of the T.W.O.W. will take place on October 10th in the Azores, although this date is subject to change if the leaders of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. and the Cap't'lists are still wandering by that date.
First Battle of Hilda
Place: Cap't'lists' Hindquarters
Date: September 20, 2005
Money Lost:
E.U.G.W.J: $0.00
MCAS: $0.00
Total Money Lost: $0.01
Money Gained:
E.U.G.W.J: $0.00
MCAS: $0.00
Total Money Gained: $0.02
Hurt:
E.U.G.W.J.: 0
MCAS: 1*
Total Hurt: 1
*Not only was Jåçøb hurt, but he was also carried away in a large backpack by a represenatative of the World Health Organization. His whereabouts are unknown. If you see him, please call Us, the Drug Smugglers on our cell phone. He was however last sighted wearing Mickey Mouse pajamas and a dunce cap.
posted by Jaja at 4:16 PM 0 comments
Monday, September 19, 2005
NEWS FLASH. NEWS FLASH. NEWS FLASH.
Due to rain in the area around the Cap't'list Hindquarters, the First Battle of Hilda has been delayed until September 20th. The E.U.G.W.J. has formally withdrawn from the 2008 Olympics on account of the delay.
posted by Jaja at 6:24 PM 0 comments
Thursday, September 15, 2005
The Second Battle of the T.W.O.W. Takes place in the Gobi Desert with an Intense Round of Mad Libs
Second Battle of T.W.O.W.
Place: Gobi Desert
Date: September 15, 2005
Casualties:
Communists: 0
Cap't'lits: 2*
Total: 2
Total Casualties of T.W.O.W.
Communists: 1
Cap't'lits: 2
Total: 3
Today, Jak the Yak, Nüt, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, and Zyggi the Zebra faced Smorgasborg, Ølåf, Idyll Brown, and Idyl Brownn mongered to the Gobi Desert after a three-day march without food or water. Unexpectedly, there were no interruptions, such as an argument about who can shoot the farthest like last time, or whose socks are cooler. Just as the battle was about to begin, the air hogs appeared out of nowhere, led by Soozie. Soozie held up a Mad Libs booklet, then said, "You really need to do thome Mad Libth. It'th really nethethary. It would be a mithtake if you jutht ignored me. In fact, you thould make thith battle a Mad Libth contetht." After much disputing, it was agreed that the should listen to Soozie and turn the battle into a Mad Libs match.
So Jak the Yak, Nüt, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, and Zyggi the Zebra faced Smorgasborg, Ølåf, Idyll Brown, and Idyl Brownn got prepared for an intense round of Mad Libs. The round took place in the middle of the Gobi Desert, and began when a rock roughly the size of New Jersey and resembling a peach in many ways crash landed just south of where the Communists and the Cap't'lists were. The rock, is now a major topic of contraversy among the forward-thinking astrologers who claim it was sent to Earth by the Intergalactic Travelers (see "The Intergalactic Travelers") as an Anniversary Present.
Meanwhile, the intense round of Mad Libs was still in session. The first Mad Lib was given to the Communists by Smorgasborg. The Mad Lib was one sentence, and went like this:
Sometimes we all want a little noun and relaxation.
Jak the Yak immediately put in the word "sad". At this point, Idyll Brown and Idyl Brownn pointed out that sad is actually an adjective. Zyggi the Zebra protested this saying that "sad" is a noun. Zyggi the Zebra then killed Idyll Brown and Idyl Brownn by hurling day-old hamburgers at them. But Idyll Brown and Idyl Brownn were reincarnated. The only problem was that they reincarnated in Iowa, and as many people already know,
Quintessetially,
Iowa is Iowa-
It's mediocre
After that, the Mad Lib portion of the Second Battle of the T.W.O.W. stopped briefly when everybody went to sleep after considering that the statement "I are funner than you am" might be grammatically incorrect.
When everyone woke up, everybody was thoroughly depressed by the thought of another Mad Lib, so Jak the Yak, Nüt, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, Zyggi the Zebra, Smorgasborg, and Ølåf wandered off in search of a good pub. Rumor has it that they are still wandering.
*Idyll Brown and Idyl Brownn were reincarnated later in Iowa.
posted by Jaja at 4:41 PM 5 comments
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ return - Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ Restart the MCAS with the Walrus as Allies
Today, leaders of the MCAS (Montreal Cohilition to Annihilate Saskacthewan) Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ returned from the norternmost parts of Canada after being away for 76 days. They arrived in Montreal, and announced that they are restarting the MCAS. The MCAS, was disbanded on May 25 due to the actions of Jacob and Benjy, but now Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ feel prepared to start it again. This is because of the new alliance that Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ have with the Walrus. The Moose used to work for the MCAS. When Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ decided to restart the MCAS, they asked the Moose if they would join again, but the Moose said no, they have Cap't'lism going now, and they are perfectly happy. So during the summer, Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ visited the Walrus and tried to persuade them to join. For 75 days, Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ tried with no success. Then yesterday, in desperation, they told the Walrus that they would get paid if they joined.
The northernmost parts of Canada are known to be very poor, and the inhabitants of those parts are jealous of the Saskatchewaners. Its is rumored among those parts that some Saskatchewaners are so rich that they can afford to buy a car, and that you don't have to have connections with the U.S. government to buy one. It is also rumored that over half the population in Saskatchewan are so rich that they can afford enough food for them to eat. They have about a hundred other ridiculous rumors, and so the walrus thought that if they invaded Saskatchewan, they would get more wealth. But his was still not enough for them to join. However, when Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ told them that they would get paid, they decided at last to join. Filled with the desire to distibute the wealth more evenly and under the delusion that Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ would keep their promise and actually pay them, the Walrus are now part of the MCAS. Sveq said about this alliance, as the Walrus like to call it, "This alliance 'sgood. 'Sgreat. This alliance 'llbring wonder 'n'excitement to all o'th'Walrus. I's greatly excited."
When Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ found out that the MCAS was now part of a war between the E.U.D.W.J., they were at first greatly annoyed. "Them Lemmings is entrin' us in them wars that we don't know about," said Jåçøb. "I hain't got no cause to join them war, 'koz I hain't got no cause to join them war." But when Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ found out it was an economical war, their opinions changed. The Lemmings' budget was 35 cents, and Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ's budget was $350,000,000. When Jacob and Benjy found out that the MCAS was restarted after they had disbanded it, they were said to be "disappointed." But after a few hours of screaming and yelling, they calmed down, and said that they had done well to keep the MCAS disbanded for 109 days. As they said, they had "done their part."
posted by Jaja at 10:31 AM 4 comments
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Lemmings Find a War
Today the Lemmings found a war. The war, whose name was Hilda, was hiding in a box. The box was about to be shipped off to Cap't'list Headquarters, but just then Ål (who had finally recoved from the drinks), burst in and opened the box. Facing the throngs of left-handed sociopaths that wanted Hilda, he took war out of the box, threw it to Sål, who was a whopping 1 foot 3 inches away, and the war was immediately transferred to the Lemmings' headquarters. Hilda is now under custody of the Lemmings. Ål had this to say on the capture of Hilda, "Methinks that this rogue Hilda wildt now be under thy custody of thoust Lemmings, the A.S.S." At that point, the throngs of Lemmings went wild and shaved their left eyebrows as a show of good faith, and Ål was so shocked by the idea that people admire him that he fainted, and was taken away to a hospital.
Now that the Lemmings, have found a war, they will use it against Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ in an economic war that will be known, of course, as Hilda. Hilda will be about the political implications of free-market economies, the rising price of guavas, and the meaning of the word "Go", among other things. As you know, Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ will get back from their visit with the Walrus tomorrow. Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ know nothing of Hilda, but they will be informed at a meeting with Ål and Ål Jr. on Monday in Detroit. The first battle of Hilda will be expected to start on September 19th, in the Cap't'lists' hindquarters.
posted by Jaja at 8:57 AM 0 comments
Friday, September 09, 2005
Jacob and Benjy Wake Up Out of Their Coma - Kåp’pål’ønç Wakes Up - Jacob and Benjy Released - The Lemmings Decide To Still Remain Neutral
Today, after being in a coma for 86 days, Jacob and Benjy finally woke up. They found themselves at an exhibit at the local science museum (actually, they were the exhibit). They calmly got up without saying anything, did their usual early morning 50,000 push-ups, put on their "I Love New York" T-shirts, demanded money from passersby, ordered food from the local McDonalds with their stolen money, wandered around for a while, and then eventually stumbled into a teleporter that transported them into Montreal, right into the Cap't'lists headquarters. There they found Kåp’pål’ønç, who had been asleep for 98 days (see "Jacob and Benjy Refuse to Surrender - Zebus to Get Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ out of Jail"), and prodded him and kicked him around, until after a few hours, he woke up. Kåp’pål’ønç yawned and asked how long he had been asleep. Jacob and Benjy said they didn't know. At this point, however, Smorgasborg came and saw Jacob and Benjy.
Smorgasborg immediately put his water gun on their faces, and demanded to know the secret plans of the Communists. Jacob and Benjy said they didn't know anything. "Wike'y sto'y," said Smorgasborg, but he did not interrogate them any further. Instead, he took them to the Cap't'lists' hindquarters, where the leaders of the Cap't'lists were to decide what to do with them. At first, everyone said to kill them now, because they knew too much. Jacob and Benjy calmly screamed that they didn't know anything, and how could they know anything when they had been in a coma for almost three months. They were questioned on every detail of the Cap't'lits plans, and eventually it was decided that Jacob and Benjy did not know anything.
The Cap't'lists decided eventually to let Jacob and Benjy go. After all, they had no use for them, and they didn't even know why they had captured him in the first place. They also released them for political reasons: the Lemmings used to be on the Cap't'lits' side, but they went away when Jacob and Benjy fell into a coma. Maybe if they released Jacob and Benjy, the Lemmings would join their side again. However, it was not so. The effects of the drinks were beginning to wear off, and the Lemmings were now firmly held to the belief that they should not join. The Cap't'lists are said to be "disappointed". Jacob and Benjy immediately ran off to the Lemmings' headquarters, which was right next to the Cap't'lits' headquarters, and joined the Lemmings and Penguins. The E.U.D.W. is now being renamed the E.U.D.W.J. (Efud Uudoor God Woorduurd Jacob'n'Benjy). The Lemmings had officially decided not to join the T.W.O.W. However, they might find their own war to participate in. The second battle of the T.W.O.W. will still take place in the middle of the Gobi Desert.
posted by Jaja at 6:44 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
The Penguins Look on in Shock, Awe, Fear - Lemmings Join Penguins - The Second Battle to Be in the Middle of the Gobi Desert
Queen Elizabeth XXVIII, leader of the Penguins, spoke from Buckingham Palace near the South Pole, in Antarctica. Queen Elizabeth XXVIII spoke on the T.W.O.W. and the plans of the Penguins. "Efud lod udroon, edoorded god oduur. Ed udroon god edroa wedrood. Pooder god ed duur uud oard. T.W.O.W. god ed oorduur Efud. Efud udroon edroa uudwer orweed druud" Roughly translated, this says, "The Penguins look on in Shock, Awe, Fear. The T.W.O.W. affects our stock market and it makes it hard for the average Penguin to maintain a life. However we will join as a third party if need be." These remarks prompted the Lemmings to contact Queen Elizabeth XXVIII, and now the Penguins have joined the Lemmings as the E.U.G.W. (Efud Uudoor God Woorduurd). The Second battle of the T.W.O.W. has been agreed to be in the Gobi Desert on September 15, on the four-month anniversary of Foghorn.
This new and unusual alliance has prompted the Cap't'lists to become very anxious. Hnorsgh became worried that the influence of the drinks would wear off, since penguins hardly ever drink liquor. So the Cap't'lists planned an assasination of Queen Elizabeth XXVIII. Last night, when Queen Elizabeth XXVIII was asleep, Smorasborg snuck into his bedroom and pointed a pistol into her face. Unfortunately, he forgot to fire. After a while, he assumed the job was finished (after all, he had no reason to think it was not), and went away. Queen Elizabeth XXVIII was asleep the whole, but he somehow still knew about it. Queen Flizabeth MMDCCC said at a press conference recently, "Egud wogdug wurf eg gorfud. Eg worfuguud og edrog wordgorf." This means, "It was a clever assasination attempt. It's a pity it didn't succeed."
posted by Jaja at 8:02 PM 4 comments
The Lemmings Get Back
Today, in Montreal, the Lemmings staggered out of their $320,000 cars that they had splurged on just to make a grand opening ("af'er all, I thi'kst we'st gots to make a gran' op'ning," said Ål drunkenly). They are not sure how they will pay for their cars, as their budget is 35 cents, but they are sure that it was still worth it. The first thing the Lemmings said after they got out is that they should somehow join the T.W.O.W., even though they had sworn not to. "I nows' we'st swore usselves not joines' th'waarrrr," said Ål, "bu' th'Lemmi'gs ares' thor'ly drunk'n thru' t'th'Lemming sooooul." Then Ål collapsed. He was immediately taken away by an ambulence and is now reported to be in "critical condition." The Lemmings continued discussing the possibility of joining the T.W.O.W., and immediately contacted the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. and the Cap't'lists and asked them if they could join the war, and, if so, on another's side or alone. The Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. said that they should join the war on their side, and if not, then not at all. "Heys all of usses might soon me Comrades," said Jak the Yak. "We is got us selves a waarr started, yaa. If youses gotza jorn the waarr, then jorn with usses, and if youses don't jorn yous selves, then don't jorn the waarr, yaaaaaaa." The Cap't'lists told them to join their side, and if not, as a different side or not at all. "Ow get youwsewf in a diffwent waw," said Hnorsgh. Both the Communists and Cap't'lists are trying to get the Lemmings to join their sides, and so far, the Lemmings have got over 3,000 T.W.O.W.-related emails today.
As for Yål's mission to spread Lemmingism all over the world, it went far better than anyone thought it would. They had expected one or two people to be converted, and at the most, three or four. Instead, nine people were converted. Their names are Jaja Bebe, Max Sofa, Beige Callsworthy, Osprey Jack, Fip Nørshåd, Smith Schärgzdenwærfer, Austrian Marks, and Capuccino Prax. All nine are said to be very devout followers. "They wilst be very devout followers, and they wilst followeth us until we lead them to a tall precipice and let them fall into everlasting brambles," said Yål. And as for Wål's book, the Daily Lemming, it is going extremely well. Nearly 90% of all sentences mention that Lemmings own you. You may expect to see an excerpt from the Daily Lemming soon (which means whenever we feel like adding one), at jacob-benjy-miscellaneous.blogspot.com.
posted by Jaja at 5:03 PM 0 comments
Sunday, September 04, 2005
The Communists Win the Fool Fight and the First Battle of the T.W.O.W.
Today, at high noon, Jak the Yak, Nüt, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, and Zyggi the Zebra faced Smorgasborg, Ølåf, Idyll Brown, and Idyl Brownn for the fool fight, the last part of a three-day competition to decide the outcome of the first battle of the incipient T.W.O.W. A group of 76.8 fools, who had been stored for use in the fool fight, were unleashed by order of foolishness, and were at once thrown around. The first fool was Fortnight Plock, a notorious bankrobber who had turned himself in for the reward money. When Plock was first thrown, he made sure he landed on his head so it would hurt less. The second fool was was Griphems Flemm, who led a rebellion against the U.S., and when the U.S. soldiers started closing in on him and his comrades, he decided he would "die for his country" and let them kill him. In the end, he got beheaded, a practice that was supposed to have stopped, and he only counts for .8 of a person. After the first five fools, the fools unleashed were just common fools, ordinary fools, or tomfools. After a while, the fools got tired of being thrown around, and decided that they would organize a revolt. Unfortunately, the revolt was foolishly planned, so it didn't work. Here's what happened: the Fools went up to Jak the Yak, telling him that they were planning a revolt. Jak the Yak, very calmly, said he was interested in their revolt, and he'd like to know the details. The Fools, being fools, told him everything. With this knowledge, the Communists and Cap't'lists were able to crush the revolt. Then the Communists and Cap't'lists punished the Fools, telling them they would have to get smarter. Then the fool fight continued. Eventually, Jak the Yak commented that he felt foolish doing this. This qualified as saying that this is a foolish thing to do, so the Communists won the fool fight, and the battle. So the first battle of the T. W. O.W. was decided. A used copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was delivered to the Communists today, and so was a baseball card of Willie Mays. The legal forms giving the Communists possession of the Montreal City Dump are being signed right now. The Communists now have the advantage, because the Cap't'lists are willing to pay any price for the used copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
posted by Jaja at 6:48 PM 1 comments
Saturday, September 03, 2005
The Cap't'lists Win the Mind-Wrestling
Today, Jak the Yak, Nüt, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, and Zyggi the Zebra faced Smorgasborg, Ølåf, Idyll Brown, and Idyl Brownn for the mind-wrestling, which was part of a three-day competition to decide the outcome of the first battle of the incipient T.W.O.W. First, Jak the Yak faced Smorgasborg. Mind-wrestling is where two people face each other, and try to wrestle each other to the ground with psychokinetic powers. Of course, it never works, but still, after one person's mind gets worn out, odd things can happen. With Bêñjÿ, his mind started attacking his own nose. But with Smorgasborg, an even stranger thing happened - he started to like 80's pop music. Without hesitation, he pulled out his secret iPod and started playing some of the worst music from the 80's. Within seconds, everyone was either moaning, unconscious, or covering their ears. Jak the Yak, in the brief telekinetc state induced by the mind-wrestling, telepathically summoned help. The help he got was the intergalactic travelers from "the Intergalactic Travelers". After decided that humans beings are totally wacked out, and that they need two or three aspirin, they went back on a 4.4-million-year journey to their home planet to get some aspirin. At their home planet, they decided they would just take over Earth. So they went on another 4.4-million year journey back to Earth. Then they got sucked into a freak wormhole that Jak the Yak's call for help had caused. The intergalactic travelers asked Jak the Yak what was the biggest city on Earth, so they could attack that city first. Jak the Yak responded honestly that there were several really big cities, such as New York, Tokyo, and London, and they should attack them all. Then the Communists sabotage the aliens' plan. After all, it was only their duty. They did this by teaching the aliens mind-wrestling. Soon, their minds were so worn out that they had to give up. However, they fixed the competition so that the Cap't'lists would win out of sheer annoyedness. The Cap't'lists won. The battle will be fully decided by the food fight, tomorrow.
posted by Jaja at 8:21 PM 0 comments
Friday, September 02, 2005
The Communists Win the Handshake Duel
Today, Jak the Yak, Nüt, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, and Zyggi the Zebra faced Smorgasborg, Ølåf, Idyll Brown, and Idyl Brownn for the handshake duel, which was part of a three-day competition to decide the outcome of the incipient T.W.O.W. First, Jak the Yak fought Smorgasborg first. The procude went perfectly. Jak the Yak and Smorgasborg turned their backs, faced each other, turned their backs again, took three steps, faced each other again, ran up to each other, and engaged in a very thorough and energetic handshake. After much consideration by the imaginary judges, it was decided that Jak the Yak's handshake was more enthustastic, so the score was 1-0. Then Nüt faced Ølåf. Nüt's handshake was very forceful and energetic, but Ølåf's was so spectuacular that the imaginary judges (who were on the Communists' side in Jak the Yak's imagination) had to give in, making the score 1-1. Nüt then had a long talk with his coach about what he did wrong and how he could improve. By now it was about noon, so a lunch break was called, and enough hamburgers for the populace of the Communists and Cap't'lists were ordered. Unfortunately, they were ordered from McDonald's. Within seconds of their first bite, almost everyone was either moaning or was unconscious. Fortunately, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, Zyggi the Zebra, Idyll Brown, and Idyl Brownn brought their own food, so they could continue. Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu lost to Idyll Brown, making the score 1-2. Just before Zyggi the Zebra was to face Idyl Brownn, Idyl Brownn remembered he had been invited to a party that day, and that if he didn't leave now, he would have to run to it. The Cap't'lists were forced to forfeit. The mind-wrestling competition will take place tomorrow.
posted by Jaja at 9:10 PM 0 comments
Thursday, September 01, 2005
The T.W.O.W. Begins
First Battle of T.W.O.W.
Place: Montreal
Date: September 1, 2005
Casualties:
Communists:1
Cap't'lists: 0
Total Casuatlies: 1
Date: 9/1/2005
Today, in Montreal, the armies of the Cap't'lists and Communists met to begin the first battle, and mass crowds came to watcth the battle, and also to see the Post-Battle Show. Jak the Yak, Nüt, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, and Zyggi the Zebra were in front of the Communists, carry banners showing their side, their favorite baseball teams, and their favorite rock bands. Smorgasborg, Ølåf, Idyll Brown, and Idyl Brownn marched in through the opposite direction, carrying similar banners. Hnorsgh, being a coward, chose to watch the battle from the sidelines. Then Wak the Yak, the official spokesman for the Communists, sad, "Heys all of usses Comrades. We is all here to get us selves a waarr started, yaa." Then he began to list the leaders of the Communists and Cap't'lists, along with their titles, such as Expert Vole Paulter and Holder of the Record for most Sandwiches eaten in 30 Minutes. Just before the battle was about to begin, Jak the Yak and Smorgasborg got into an argument on which one can shoot better. It was only necessary they resolve the argument, to a target was placed 100 yards away for them to it, and the first one to hit it wins. Pretty soon both had used up their ammunition, to they decided to start a campaign to get more. Signs were put around the battlefield saying "give Jak the Yak and Smorgasborg all your ammunition, for the good of your country." Within seconds, they had everyone's guns. For an hour, they tried to hit the target, and they never hit it, but Jak the Yak was came with 200 feet of the target. At last, they exhausted all of the bullets, and they were forced to stop.
At this point, Wak the Yak decided that now that he had seen the true horrors of war, he could no longer bear to live. Using his secret bullet, he shot himself in between the eyes. Before he died, he told Smak the yak to take his place and his cat. There was a 15-minute funeral for Wak the Yak, and many long odes about him, which were mostly complaints about the Montreal plumbing system. After the funeral, Wak the Yak's body was burned, and his ashes were scattered in random places around the world, after everyone made sure that no one lived within five miles of those places. Then a law was made saying that anyone who mentioned Wak the Yak would be sentenced to 10 years in prison. "We's all mourninges them death o' Wak the Yak," said Bewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu's cousin. "In fact, I's almost sad." Then he started to wonder if he was really almost sad, but the police came and took him away before he could make up his mind.
Now the Communists and Cap't'lists started to wonder how they would fight, since they didn't have any more bullets. After many long and heated discussions, they decided they would have a three-day competition to decide who would win. Tomorrow, they would have a handshake duel, and they day after tomorrow, they would have a mind-wrestling competition. If any side won both those competitions, they would win the battle, and if not, they would have a fool fight on September 4, and whoever won the fool fight would win the battle. A fool fight is where you throw fools around until someone realizes that this is a foolish thing to do, and that person wins. Only the leader of the Communists and Cap't'lists will participate. Then another discussion arose: what do they get if they win? So far, no one had asked that question, since no one really cared, but now people asked that question. Another long and heated discussion arose, in which some insults were thrown, but eventually they came to a decision. The winning side of the battle would get a used copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, a baseball card of Willie Mays, and sole possession of the Montreal City Dump. The leaders of the Communists and Cap't'lists are currently preparing for the three-day competition.
posted by Jaja at 11:23 AM 4 comments
Friday, June 24, 2005
The Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. and the Cap't'lists Leave for Their Cruises
Today, both the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. and the Cap't'lists started their voyages, each side only taking one canoe to reach their destinations. They only used one canoe because their budgets were only 25 cents, and the canoes were 20 cents each. The way that they were able to fit everyone on one canoe was simple: They stood on each other's shoulders throughout the voyage. Nüt said, "eet waren't so baad staending on anither's shalders, whot ware so baad was hauveeng anither staend on yer shalders." Therefore, Jak the Yak, Nüt, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, and Zyggi the Zebra got to sit on top, and all the peasants had to sit on the bottom. Both sides reached their first destinations without major incident, except for the air hogs. Having been accused of hogging all of the air, the air hogs decided to seeks their fortune in the ocean. Throughout the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R's voyage, the air hogs did nothing except swim real close to the canoe and tell extremely bad jokes, except for the time that they boarded the canoe and asked if anyone wanted car insurance. The Communists insisted that they already had insurance, but Soozie, the leader of the air hogs insisted, "You need to buy inthuranth. It'th really nethethary. You don't know what a mithtake it would be if ye jetht ingored me." After a while, the air hogs became such a nusaince that they bought insurance for 3 cents, giving them two cents for funding for the war. The Cap't'lists did not have any major incident with the air hogs, except for the occasional attempt to get the Cap't'lists to buy another canoe. The Cap't'lists refused, with many groans from the peasants. The Cap't'lists arrived in Jamaica at 11:58 p.m., and the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. arrived in Portugal at 11:57 p.m.
However, Zyggi the Zebra is not going with the rest of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. on the Mediterranean cruise, but is instead, going to spend the summer in Siberia, looking for Smorgasborg. He is going to get revenge, but not in the old-fashioned way. When he finds Smorgasborg, he will challenge him to a game of poker, and he will rig the deck so that Smorgasborg will lose all of his money. but Zyggi's plan does not really matter, because Smorgasborg is not in Siberia, and in fact, he is going on the Caribbean cruise. Zyggi plans to go on a Siberian cruise during the summer, while he is searching for Smorgasborg. He will take a plane to Provideniya on the 26th, and he will stay there until July 2nd. Then he will spend July 2-15 traveling around the Sea of Okhotsk. After that, he will spend July 15th to August 2nd in Kamchatskiy. He will spend the rest of August visiting Srednekolymsk and Verkhenevilyuysk, and then he will go back to Montreal for the T.W.O.W. Ziggy said at a press conference yesterday, "Dude, if I'm going to spend my dudy days in Siberia, I might as will rock some places, and, like, maybe try to get a few joints on the way. At least it won't be hot there."
posted by Jaja at 11:59 PM 14 comments
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Two Major Literary Works Concerning the T.W.O.W. to be Started over the Summer
The statement "Lemmings own you" has become so popular among the Lemmings that a new religion, called, simply, Lemmingism, had started. This religion states only one thing, which is that Lemmings own you. Wål, the ex-stepbrother of Yål, and a famous writer among the Lemmings, is going to start a religious book on Lemmingism, which will be called The Daily Lemming. The Daily Lemming deals will also include information about the T.W.O.W., and the Lemming Hypothesis, and even after the war is over, it will have information on random events for the next fifty years. Wål has already written the first chapter of The Daily Lemming, which starts: "Lemmings own thou. It ist a fact. We owneth thou. We also owneth thy cat. We art the A.S.S., and we ownest all of thy body and exterior organs." It goes on about how Lemmings own you for several more paragraphs, then it starts branching out on the Lemming Hypothesis and the pre-war events. Wål is still going on the tour of American pubs. He says, "I hopest ye ale and ye rum wilst helpeth me with thy Daily Lemming."
Yet another book that has information on the war will be started over the summer. This book is written by Zak the Yak, a famous writer among the Yaks, and is entirely about the war, except for the occasional rant about how the Communists are so superior and the Cap't'lists can't even count to 5. So far, the book is just articles from this website compiled together and passages about how the Communists are better, but Zak the Yak insists that it will have real information on the T.W.O.W. that he wrote himself soon. He said at a recent press conference: "Heys all of usses Comrades, so we is gotza larn us selves how to not accuse our own kind, yaa. So I is thinkin' that we is gotza join usses forces together and fight them Cap't'lism. We is gotza larn us selves that even if I on'y writes 'bout how Communism's good, that's what I should write myselfs, so we is gotza not complain us selves, yaaaaaaa." Zak the Yak says that he will start writing about the war when the Mediterranean cruise starts. The cruise starts tomorrow, and we will see if he keeps his word.
posted by Jaja at 3:26 PM 5 comments
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ Plan to Visit the Walrus, Lemmings Plan to Go on a Tour of the Best Pubs
Now that the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. and the Cap't'lists are taking the summer of before the war starts, Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ and the Lemmings will be doing their own things for the summer. Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ plan to visit the Walrus, up in the northernmost parts of Canada, thoughout the entire summer. The reason for the visit will be told through Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ's first Annual Summer Report. The Report, which was very short, reads as follows:
The First Annual Summer Report
1. The Walrus are lonely, we will visit them from 27 June 2005 to 11 September of said year
2. Wait a minute, there is no number two. Never mind.
-End of Report
Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ will be visiting the Walrus as a simply cordial visit "cause we's gotta get them walruses not bein' all lonesome and such," said Bêñjÿ. Bveq, the son of Sveq, the leader of the Walrus, said this about the visit "This visit 'sgood. 'Sgreat. This visit 'llbring wonder 'n'excitement to all o'th'Walrus. I's greatly excited." Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ said that the visit had absolutely nothing to do with the disbanding of the MCAS or the upcoming T.W.O.W. But Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ may be lying. In fact, the chances they are lying are approximately 94%. If they are lying, there is a 2% chance is has something to do with the MCAS and 1% of the war, and a 91% chance of Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ going simply to practice checkers. There is also a 90% chance that the Walrus are not even lonely.
The Lemmings on the other hand will be taking a tour of four major U.S. cities and visiting the better of the pubs found within these cities. 87% of the drinks they buy will be whiskey, 5% other types of wine, and 9% soda. These cities include Little Rock, Big Rock, Bigger Rock and New York. To protect the exact location of the Lemmings, it is impossible to give information other than that at this time. All Lemmings will go on the tour, except for Yål, the second cousin of Sål and the representative of the Lemmings, who will be traveling around the world throughout the summer, telling everyone how Lemmings own you. He hopes that by the end of the summer, they will have one or two people covinced that Lemmings own you, and hopefully three or four. The Lemmings hope to extremely drunk by the time September rolls around, but Ål said that they will still not jump into the T.W.O.W. "Thy Lemmings wilst still not joineth thoust T.W.O.W. even iffith thy Lemmings arest thoroughly drunken through to thy Lemming soul." The Lemmings leave on the 2nd of July and plan to return back on the 7th of September, six days after the war will officially start.
posted by Jaja at 2:12 PM 10 comments
Sunday, June 19, 2005
The Moose's Failure to Comb Their Teeth Ends in Major Drought in the Western Pacific
"The waw has pweoccupied us gweatwy," said Hnorsgh (see "Jacob and Benjy Get Turned into the Police"), who is the president of the Cap't'lists. "Pwehaps too gweatwy, it has distwacted us fwom ouw basic ev'wyday tasks, and this has cost us gweatwy." This can surely be said for the Moose's extreme failure to comb their teeth, which is their replacement for brushing them. In past years, the Mooses have combed their teeth regularly, but now they are too distracted by questions about the war, such as "are we going to win?" and "who do you think has the advantage?" "do you think that if the Communists start winning, should we join them?", and they forget about their basic needs. The Moose's failure to comb their teeth has had interesting effects on themselves. In fact, the Mooses have grown very bucktoothed in the past few days. This doese not affect the Mooses too much, except when their teeth start touching the ground when they walk. "It'th altho a bit har' t' tawk ifs y' ge' m'meani'g," said Smorgasborg, who, as it turned out, was not in Siberia at all, as Zyggi the Zebra was told, but in Saas-Khatch-Eehe-Wahan. The Mooses have felt a great need to use their buck teeth, and they have used them by drilling holes in Saas-Khatch-Eehe-Wahan with their newly elongated teeth. But this has somehow caused drought in what the M.O.O.S.E. (Measurers Of Obviously Silly Epitaphs) called "the Western Pacific". In the Western Pacific, the average ocean depth was 8,530 feet, according to the M.O.O.S.E., and now it is only 8,529 feet and 11 7/8 inches. It is currently not known why the holes have caused this drought, although it is suspected that it is a direct cause of the airhogs, the close relatives of the groundhogs, which are clearly unhappy about the drilling for some reason. The Moose and the M.O.O.S.E. are currently trying to find out why the airhogs are so unhappy. They are also trying to remember to comb their teeth, but they are, if anything, doing a worse job at remembering ever.
posted by Jaja at 7:22 PM 0 comments
Friday, June 17, 2005
Lemmings Own You
"LEMMINGS OWN YOU". It is now a Fact. Last Thursday, after nearly a century, the theory that Lemmings own you was proven by Sål, the famous mathematician who happens to be friends with Ål. This theory, which states only that LEMMINGS OWN YOU, and is simply called the Lemming Hypothesis, was created by Pål, Sål's distant ancestor, in 1907. The proof to this involves complex functions such as adding, and makes heavy use of the additive property of zero. At first the Lemmings Hypothesis was not accepted by the Lemming Community, but, after close examination by the F.B.I, the C.I.A., and the N.B.A., it was accepted. Now that the Lemmings know for a fact that they are they A.S.S. (Almighty Supreme Species), their view on the war has dramatically changed. "Now we knowst that we shalt surely not joineth our forces to the war, for why shouldst we; we ownest them all." However, the war still remains in the Top Twenty Most Important T.T.G.O.N.'s (Things That Goest On Now) for the Lemmings, coming in 11th place. 18 of the top twenty are related to the Lemming Hypothesis, except for the everpresent sewage clogging problem, which comes in third. At a recent press conference, Ål said, "Whoever doest loseth in this war, we wilst have to disown."
posted by Jaja at 5:03 PM 4 comments
Thursday, June 16, 2005
The Journey
Here is "the Journey", which Benjy wrote during the Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet:
The orange sun rose
Into the corners of Plû,
The Field of Rabbits.
There to, He journeys,
Determined, yet uncertain,
Where his Fate does Lie.
He treks on, walks on,
Even though He knows that He
Is facing Troubles.
Through scraggly grass,
Through mountains, through hills, through snow,
He hikes on, walks on.
The wind whipped wildly
As did the Wing and Willow
But He did not stop.
Then after Hours
He sees the Thing, the Cabbage,
That must Go to Plû.
He says with his Nose,
“You go to Plû. So do I.
Let’s go together.”
The Cabbage replies,
“I dare not: For I am cursed
With the Bond of Light.”
He says, determined,
“You must come. Please come, Cabbage.
For You are the Popped.”
The Cabbage replies,
“You don’t understand. I can’t
Now let me explain.”
The Cabbage explained:
“The Fattest Man in the Alps
Has done this to me.”
He said in Reply,
“Then we will kill Him also
And also his Cats.”
In Its Ecstasy,
The Cabbage said, “You are great.
You are merciful!”
And so the Two went.
They did not know that the Three
Were Alongside Them.
The sun sets, into
Árzìg’læmïn’pôakù
The city of Trees.
He says, “I dare not
To forsake you, my Cabbage,
While I am alive.”
But, at that time
The trees were growing, and so
Were the Ones who Sink.
posted by Jaja at 7:50 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Jacob and Benjy Fall into A Coma - The Lemmings Decide to Remain Neutral
On Saturday, June 11, the elephants announced that they had fully supplied Jacob and Benjy with enough Chinese food for their all-you-can-eat buffet. Jacob and Benjy feasted non-stop for the next three days. While Jacob and Benjy were having their buffet, the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. and the cap't'lists drafted war plans. These plans are certainly still drafts, given that the cap't'lists' plan only strategy is to sing "London Bridge" until the communists surrender. Meanwhile, Jacob and Benjy, together, ate a total of 491 bushels of rice, 3 metric tons of teriyaki chicken, a teaspoon of lo mein, and 371 gallons of soup. Benjy wrote the second part of "the Apocalypse" (see "Benjy writes 'the Cliffs'") during the buffet. After the buffet, Jacob and Benjy immediately passed out, and despite the efforts of Ølåf and Ølgå, they would not stir. It was concluded that Jacob and Benjy were in a coma. Jacob and Benjy are currently being displayed at the local science museum called "the effects of not paying your taxes and letting the money you owe slowly accumulate." While Jacob and Benjy were in a coma, Ølåf shaved both of their heads. Jacob and Benjy are expected to wake up from their coma in early September. The lemmings, who had formed an alliance the cap't'lists after the bombing of the World (see "the World blows up"), decided that they would remain neutral throughout the war. "Methinks the cause for which we hast drawn our swords is faulty, and we wilst not makest the same mistake again," said Ål, the main representative of the lemmings. "We wilst watcheth safely whilst the foolish foes clasheth, and, eventually, falleth. However, if there be-est cause of it, we wilst joineth one side of the war." Both the communists and cap't'lists are trying to persuade the lemmings to join their side.
posted by Jaja at 4:35 PM 1 comments
Friday, June 10, 2005
Jacob and Benjy Win the Checkers Tournament - the Elephants have a job
Jacob and Benjy have recently made an astounding comeback against Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ in their five-round checkers tournament. After the first round, Jacob, Benjy, Jåçøb, and Bêñjÿ decided to finish up the remaining four rounds as quickly as possible. The only interruption was Jak the Yak, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, Nüt, and Zyggi the Zebra entering Jacob and Benjy’s house to discuss the war code. Here is what was decided: the only war crimes were using electric calendars in combat, stepping on sawdust, and saying something like “hey, what’s that over there?” do distract your opponents, and everything else was legal. Zyggi asked where Smorgasborg was. He received the answer that Smorgasborg was in Siberia. Zyggi is going on a four-month expedtion to find Smorgasborg. Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ won the second round, but then Jacob and Benjy won the next three rounds, winning the championship. Jacob and Benjy have been repeatedly asking if they can go free. Ølåf tried to bargain with Jacob and Benjy to surrender, and at last he succeeded. Jacob and Benjy said they would surrender if they could have an all-you-can-eat buffet of Chinese food. The elephants would officially join the mooses and cap’t’lism if they could successfully supply Jacob and Benjy with enough Chinese food to fill their stomachs. The elephants say this will not be a challenge; what will be a challenge is not eating all the Chinese food on the return trip. “Broop noopa doop gotzi loopery droop,” Idyll Brown said.
posted by Jaja at 6:42 PM 2 comments
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ win the first game of checkers - Musk Oxen have Officially Joined the Mooses
Once Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ had stopped singing about freedom, the first checkers game commenced. In the very first move, Jacob and Benjy took three of their opponents' pieces, which is not only amazing, but entirely impossible. After fourteen moves, the game was tied, 6-6, and at that precise moment, the door to Jacob and Benjy's house broke off its hinges, where it flew fifteen feet in the air, landing in the mouth of Kåp’pål’ønç, who immediately swallowed it whole in his sleep. Two African Elephants, by the names of Idyll Brown and Idyl Brownn, entered the room and explained what they wanted. The African elephants were applying to join the mooses and cap't'lism, thus making the T.W.O.W. completely equal (four species on both sides. The African elephants were to meet the mooses in Montreal, and wanted directions to Montreal. Jacob and Benjy gave them very accurate directions, and the elephants proceeded to Montreal, scattering all the checkers pieces as they went. Fortunately, Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ have excellent memories, and they knew where all the pieces went. Jacob and Benjy made an excellent comeback, capturing five of their opponents' remaining pieces. Unfortunately, Jacob and Benjy's pieces were positioned so that Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ could capture all of Jacob and Benjy's remaining pieces, and that's what they did, thus winning the first checkers game. The mooses have plan to take a Caribbean cruise when the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. takes a Mediterranean cruise. In this Caribbean cruise, they will start by visting Jamaica from June 24 to July 1. Next they will visit Guadeloupe from July 2-13. Then they will visit Martinique from July 14-20, then Trinidad from July 20-31. They will spend all of August finding the tiniest islands in the Caribbean to go to, Then they will go to Montreal on September 1st, where the war will start. The musk oxen have officialy joined the mooses now.
posted by Jaja at 4:13 PM 1 comments
Monday, June 06, 2005
Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. Announces Summer Plans
The Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. (Zebra Dudes, Yak Dudes, Llama dudes, Emu Dudes Rule) have announced their summer plans. They have decided to go on a Mediterranean Cruise, and to make several stops. First, they arrive at Portugal on June 24th, and they will leave from Portugal on June 26nd. They will go through the Straits of Gibraltar and arrive in the South of France on June 28th. They will be in the South of France until July 7th before traveling on to Italy where they will spend time traveling to Rome, Venice, Tuscany and the Southern Tip. They will be in Italy from July 8th until July 23th. On the 23th they will travel to Greece where they will spend time going to Athens and all the islands. On August 7th, they will travel to Egypt, arriving there on the 8th, and traveling down the Nile and then back up. On August 17th, they will make one last stop in Tunisia for four days, and they will arrive in Portugal on the 23rd. They will then take a transatlantic crossing, and then arrive in Montreal on September 1st. Mojo, the Chairman of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R., who is Zyggi's father was quoted as saying, "Yo you's just gotta kick back your head every once in the while, yo. Do ya get my drift, dudes? I is just gonna enjoy myself in the Las' Summer afore we start goin' off ta war with them Cap't'lists over yonder in, like, North 'merica er somethin'. We are gonna have a cool time, and just gonna soak up the sun, dudes. An' maybe we'll recruit us some more dudes tha' wanna beat the butts off them Cap't'lists. But ev'rythin's cool, yo." The T.W.O.W. (Totally Wacked Out War) is expected to start sometime in September.
posted by Jaja at 9:06 PM 2 comments
Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ are Out of Jail
The Zebus have officially joined the mooses, having successfully got Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ out of jail where they were being kept. The Zebus did not have to resort to any of their plans, because all of the jail guards were receiving a lecture on the importance of their job, and, consequently, they were all asleep. First Ølåf, accompanied by his partner, Ølgå, stole the key to Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ's jail cell, which was being held on display in a museum in London. Next, they unlocked Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ's jail cell, freeing Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ. After Ølåf and Ølgå had convinced the MCAS leaders that is was not dishonorable to escape from jail with help, the foursome rode a bus to Jacob and Benjy's house. Jacob and Benjy will be on a team, and Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ will be on another team. The two teams will compete in a checkers tournament, and the first team to win three games will be the winner. The tournament will start as soon as Ølåf and Ølgå have managed to get Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ to stop singing about how much they love freedom. If Jacob and Benjy lose, they will be forced to surrender. The musk oxen have not yet considered what will happen if Jacob and Benjy win.
posted by Jaja at 6:58 PM 0 comments
Friday, June 03, 2005
Benjy and Jacob Refuse to Surrender - Zebus to Get Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ out of Jail
The musk oxen's plan has gone successfully so far, except for one thing. They managed to break into Jacob and Benjy's house quite successfully, and when they were challenged to a game of foosball, they did not hesitate to accept. Kåp’pål’ønç and the rest of his army snuck into the foosball room, and they awaited Jacob and Benjy as they entered. The musk oxen trapped Jacob and Benjy inside the foosball room, and Kåp’pål’ønç said as planned, "If ye don't...a-dum-dum...surrender yes selves...boom-dum...you'll hafta...a-dum-boom...play checkers." Then he fell asleep. That's where things started to go wrong. Next, to make matters worse, Jacob and Benjy refused to surrender. They told the musk oxen that they were highly skilled at checkers. Kåp’pål’ønç was the only one present that was skilled enough at checkers to possibly beat them. But Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ, the MCAS leaders, were also checkers masters. Unfortunately, they were in jail. But the zebus volunteered to try to get Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ out of jail. The Zebus were one species that applied to join the mooses, but failed. However, Smorgasbord said that the Zebus could join if they broke Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ out of jail. The zebus already have a plan, made by Ølåf, the leader of the zebus. They will first ask the jail guards of the Montreal Central Jail, where Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ are being held, if they would kindly them go. If that failed, they would go to Plan B, which was to bribe the jailgaurds with $1,000,000,000. If that failed, the Zebus would go to Plan C, which was to dig a tunnel to break Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ out. They have plans all the way up to Plan Z, which was to hurl the musk ox at the Montreal Central Jail and then bring Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ out of the rubble, but that was only a last resort.
posted by Jaja at 4:24 PM 0 comments
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Musk Oxen Apply to Join the Mooses and Cap't'lism
After the crushing defeat of the mooses last Thursday, they have come to the final conclusion that they need support from other species, and they plan to get it. Several species have already applied to join the mooses, but the musk oxen are the most likely to pass the strenuous elimination trials. Said Smorgasborg, "We dan't want no riff-raff species jarn'en us that dan't have the proper stuff. So we sorta...sieve 'em out." The musk oxen have come in 1st place for the 100-kilometer dash, the read-a-thon, and the bench-oppress. The species that is chosen will receive many magnificent gifts. These include a tin can, a stick, a gallon of 1.57829209% milk, a rice plantation, a dice plantation, a mice plantation, a lice plantation, a dog, a log, a frog, a hog, a fog, a jog, a bog, and a blog, particularly this blog. Only one test stands in the musk oxen's way of joining the mooses: The mission test, where they have to successfully complete a mission. This time, the mission is to take Jacob and Benjy as P.O.W.'s (Prisoners of War) and M.E.O.W.'s (Misty Eggplants of War). The musk oxen already have a plan. At midnight, they will sneak into Jacob and Benjy's house, wake them up if they are asleep, and challenge them to a game of foosball. Jacob and Benjy would of course accept, because it was either that, or checkers. There would be an army of musk oxen awaiting them, led by Kåp’pål’ønç, the leader of the musk oxen, and Jacob and Benjy would be forced to surrender or play both foosball and checkers. The other species that applied to join the mooses and Cap't'lism were the hyraxes, the tortoises (which got eliminated in the 100-kilometer dash), the elephants, and the largest candidate, the Zebus.
posted by Jaja at 3:44 PM 2 comments
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Ziggy the Zebra Gets Injured in War, and Consequently Changes His Name to Zyggi the Zebra
Last Thursday, P.A.L.I.N.D.R.O.M.E. officially changed its name to Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R., except without punctuation or and's (see The Zebras meet with the W.X.Y.Z.), and even more officially declared war on Saas-Khatch-Eehe-Wahan. During a battle practice session last Friday, Ziggy the Zebra was cornered by a famous moose general called Smorgasborg. To avoid getting shot, Ziggy jumped off a 1,000-foot cliff. This tactic worked, but only because when Smorgasborg saw that Ziggy was going to do this, he decided to save bullets. Fortunately, Ziggy landed in a pile of potato chips, which cushioned his fall very slightly. However, Ziggy stilled suffered fourteen broken ribs, a broken spine, a broken tail, a broken nose, two broken ears, a broken pelvis, four broken legs, a broken gluttonus maximus, and a broken heart. He recieved a broken heart because Smorgasborg was his uncle's cousin's sister-in-law. Ziggy was immediately found by Thwak the Yak and was transported to a hospital. The doctors say that Ziggy will be okay, but he will have to wear a Darth Vader suit for the next few weeks. Ziggy decided to changed his name to Zyggi. The cost of Zyggi's hospital stay was going to be $5,000,000.00, but then Zyggi complained about the costliness of this. "Look, dudes," he said, "this ain't right, this don't go with the nat'ral flow o' things. What was I supposed to do, let that moosy dude shoot me? Is it okay if you dudes bring the hospital fees down a bit, dudes?" The hosptial then brought the hosptial bill down to $4,999,999.99. Then Jak the Yak, Nüt, and Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu chipped in, bringing Zyggi's expenses down to $4,999,999.96. Then the more generous Jacob and Benjy put in even more money towards Zyggi's expenses, bringing them down to $4,999,999.86. Then finally, Smorgasborg put in some of his money, bringing the cost down to $4,999,999.36. Zyggi was eccentric when he heard this. "What would I do without you?" he said.
posted by Jaja at 6:56 PM 3 comments
Saturday, May 28, 2005
The Zebras meet with the W.X.Y.Z.
Last Friday, the leader and representative of the Zebras, by the name of Ziggy the Zebra, met with Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, Jak the Yak, Nüt for a meeting discussing the future of the W.X.Y.Z. and of the zebras. The Zebras had finished migrating across the Serengeti last Wednesday after a fifteen-day journey, and they spent two more days swimming across the Atlantic Ocean to New York City, where they met with the W.X.Y.Z. Here are the notes as written down by Hwawewawieoghwoaplu, the national scribe and secretary of the llamas: "The W.X.Y.Z. and the Zebras have come to a somewhat peaceful agreement: in communism, the government has too much power. Since all the people that are present are part of the government, it would be incredibly wierd if they denied themselves power. But however, the Zebras want to be the leaders if the W.X.Y.Z. and the Zebras merged together, and not just some yak or llama. The W.X.Y.Z. assured Ziggy that they weren't just a communism, they were a communist oligarchy, and that the Zebras would rule as well as the yaks, emus, and llamas. So it was settled: The Zebras would join into one cohesive until called P.A.L.I.N.D.R.O.M.E. (Pompous Anthropologists Laughing In Nice Dogs' Rumps On Misty Eggplants). However, the Zebras do not like this idea. 'Look, dudes, this, it just doesn't go with the flow o' things,' said Ziggy. 'We don't want repeating us selves, like all those dudy palindromes do.' Ziggy has filed an application to change P.A.L.I.N.D.R.O.M.E.'s name to Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. (Zebra Dudes, Yak Dudes, Llama Dudes, and Emu Dudes Rule). P.A.L.I.N.D.R.O.M.E. has decided that it will annhilate Saskatchewan, as well as the Moose and Saas-Khatch-Eehe-Wahan." It is rumored that P.A.L.I.N.D.R.O.M.E. has already been changed to Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. in certain parts of Manhattan.
posted by Jaja at 10:00 AM 0 comments
Thursday, May 26, 2005
The Spigot
Underneath it all,
Lies the Spigot, the Plaid One –
Who knows where He lives
The one who leers, He;
Is the one who will lead them –
Ants from the Spigot
The Plaid One will guard,
The Spigot until the Reach
Come in from Géløüzh
The Plaid One and He
Fight for the Spigot, to free,
The Ants, the oppressed
“I take the Spigot
At dawn, when the Ants march
To Géløüzh,” He cries
But even as the Dawn,
Breaks, the Ants go to Géløüzh,
To replace the Reach
“It’s time for the Ants,
And the Reach must go, or you
Suffer the Plaid One”
But only the Reach
Would disobey the Plaid One –
For he is their Son
But the Reach will not
Come to the Spigot while He
Fights the Reach, Géløüzh
There is always hope,
For He to beat the Plaid One;
When the Ants are gone
Now he goes to the
Spigot to face the Plaid One –
It is the First Front
The Ants and the Reach
Are fighting in Géløüzh for
Power over He
And the Ants will win,
As long as the Front goes on
Which it always will
Because the Plaid One
Is praying up to the Reach –
And they will call back
The Plaid One will pray,
Tossing grapes off the Spigot –
For when will He come
Only the Ants can stop
The Plaid One stopping them, He –
By stopping the Reach
But just as He said,
“Only the reach of the Reach
Can stop the Spigot”
posted by Jaja at 3:28 PM 1 comments
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
The World Blows Up
A small bar in the "bad" part of town in Saas-Khatch-Eehe-Wahan, known as The World, blew up yesterday after the W.X.Y.Z. went on a bombing mission and hit The World. Casualties include Plraegoialraorl, the Moose Ambassador to the U.S. who was getting a very large amount of stiff drinks in him because he was so distraught after visting with George Bush and was distressed by President Bush's lack of judgement when making such decisions as, "Should we go to war?", or, "Should we have steak for dinner, or salmon, or both?" Plraegoialraorl is being succeedeed by his son Slraegoialraorl. The World was a popular place for high ranking government Cap't'lists such as Plraegoialraorl and Ieej. Casualties at this point number four: Plraegoialraorl, Vovovovov, Pochjoch and Ieej. The Moose have declared war on the W.X.Y.Z. because of this, and the Moose have gained a very key alliance in the Lemmings. The Zebras are currently migrating across the Serengeti, and are expected to meet with W.X.Y.Z. on Wednesday of next week.
posted by Jaja at 9:07 PM 2 comments
MCAS is disbanded - Thousands of Moose Unemployed
It has happened for the seventeeth time; the MCAS has been disbanded. In the past sixteen times, the MCAS was disbanded because of its unpopularity, but this time, it was disbanded because of Jacob and Benjy, the famous and somewhat infamous schlopmeisters. In a secluded café in the outskirts of Montreal, the duo sat in the same table that the leaders of the MCAS, known as Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ, were sitting at. Jacob and Benjy quietly noted that Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ had ordered 1 metric ton of chicken, and so far, they had only eaten 500 kilograms of it. Jacob challenged Jåçøb to a handshake duel, and Benjy challenged Bêñjÿ to a session of mind-wrestling. In the middle of the mind-wrestling session, Bêñjÿ's mind started attacking his own nose, and Benjy took this opportunity to put carrot sauce on the remaining 500 kilograms of the grilled chicken. Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ were so psyched out by this that they refused to eat any more of their grilled chicken. Of course, not finishing your grilled chicken is a crime in Montreal, so Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ got arrested. They decided to disband the MCAS, because the jail would not allow the MCAS to meet. Of course, thousands of moose that were working for the MCAS are now unemployed, so they have to find jobs. The other years in which the MCAS was disbanded were 1901, 1902, 1903, 1904, 1905, 1906, 1907, 1908, 1909, 1910, 1924, 1941, 1956, 1963, 1978, and 1989.
posted by Jaja at 3:27 PM 1 comments
Monday, May 23, 2005
Emus and Yaks and Llamas Come to Terms in W.X.Y.Z.
Shortly after the beginnings of the Q.R.S.T.U.V. were taking shape, the llamas abandoned the Q.R.S.T.U.V. And after a 4-hour hiatus, Jak the Yak, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, and Nüt, the respective representatives of the yaks, llamas and emus met on a small boat just outside of Montreal in an attempt to come to terms. The llamas boldly said no to the H.I.J.K.L.M.N.O.P. when they formed the Q.R.S.T.U.V., but it took only two hours and seventeen minutes for the three parties to agree on the new agreement which put all three under Communism. The W.X.Y.Z. also serves as a Treaty of War against Cap't'lism, the Moose, and the Moose stronghold of Saas-Khatch-Eehe-Wahan. W.X.Y.Z., which stands for Warmongering Xenophobes Yielding to Zebras. They are called this because there is a clause in the W.X.Y.Z. which calls for zebras to ascend the high seat of Communism and to join W.X.Y.Z. in a war against Cap't'lism, the Moose, and the Moose stronghold of Saas-Khatch-Eehe-Wahan. The war would be called simply and consicely, Y.E.L.Z.V.C.M.S. This stands for Yaks Emus Llamas Zebras Versus Cap't'lism Moose Saas-Khatch-Eehe-Wahan.
posted by Jaja at 9:10 PM 2 comments
The Llamas Start the Q.R.S.T.U.V.
It is true; the llamas have rejected the H.I.J.K.L.M.N.O.P.'s ploys for llamas to join, and, in fact, they have started their own group. This group is called the Q.R.S.T.U.V. This stands for Quixotic Rampagers Sieving Through Unwanted Visors. It is called that becasue the H.I.J.K.L.M.N.O.P. offered the llamas 1,000,000,000,000,000 visors if they joined them and converted to communism. At that point in time, the llamas had anarchy as a type of government, which has some benefits, but also has some downsides, like the inability to walk upside down for very long while chewing bubble gum. However, the llamas feel that anarchy works best for them for several reasons. One such reason is that the llamas are always too busy trying to pronounce their names to even think about appointing a leader. One llama named Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu said, "We's much busy saying thems names, so, even to think about having a leader is much complex; to complex." Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu was met with much support at this statement. The Q.R.S.T.U.V.'s main goal is to be llamas. But the Q.R.S.T.U.V. also has six other major goals: To be quixotic, to rampage, to sieve, to go through things, to be unwanted, and to steal visors from the H.I.J.K.L.M.N.O.P. The Q.R.S.T.U.V., the llamas noted, is still "a work in progress."
posted by Jaja at 7:26 PM 1 comments
Emus and Yaks Found H.I.J.K.L.M.N.O.P.
The emus and yaks yesterday reached an agreement and formed the alliance which is called H.I.J.K.L.M.N.O.P. The alliance is planning to launch the attack on the Moose stronghold called, in yakkish, Saas-Khatch-Eehe-Wahan. The emus acceptance means that they have thrown away Gunkenheimerism and adopted Communism. Mak the Yak said yesterday in responce to the agreement, "We is thinkin' and is the emus is also is thinkin' that usses t'geth'r will usses both of us attack dem cap't'lists up in Saas-Khatch-Eehe-Waham. We is mighty pleased and usses t'geth'r, usses yaks and dem emus is mighty pleased." H.I.J.K.L.M.N.O.P. stands for Habitual Institution Joining Kayakers Legislating the Montreal Nihilism of Oppressing Peoples. This new alliance is expected to have a lot of power and it is expected that the next species to join will indeed be the llamas.
posted by Jaja at 4:52 PM 0 comments
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Jacob and Benjy Found the A.B.C.D.E.F.G.
Word that Jacob and Benjy had started a mysterious group called the A.B.C.D.E.F.G. spread around New York City and Boston last Saturday. This became confirmed when they started asking random people on the streets of Cambridge if they would join the A.B.C.D.E.F.G. and telling them that they would get a rubber mouse if they joined. The A.B.C.D.E.F.G., they explained, stood for Adherence to Bipeds Conceived in Dormancy to Emus Following Gunkenheimerism. Gunkenheimerism, they explained, was a type of government that the emus follow, which discourages using weeds as smokestacks and encourages using park benches as bar stools. The JamBlam (see "Jacob and Benjy Take to the Streets") already discourages using park benches as bar stools, and of course Jacob and Benjy love using weeds as smokestacks. "If you don't use weeds for smokestacks," said Benjy, "what are you going to use weeds for, and what are you going to use for smokestacks?" Here is the A.B.C.D.E.F.G.'s plan of action: First they would threaten the emus with chocolate milkshakes, then, if that failed, they would threaten them with vanilla milkshakes. The emus are already extremely fidgety and nervous, and they are already considering adopting a new form of government. The yaks are suggesting that the emus adopt communism, and the yaks and emus could form an alliance, which would be called the H.I.J.K.L.M.N.O.P. Then they would start a war on capitalism, and they would of course win, because capitalism only has one C. The emus are right now rejected the yaks' suggestions. One emu government official said, "We're terribly afraid of having too much power." But another emu government official is suggesting that they do adopt communism. "Them yauks mieght jes' hauve sumpting go'en on thar," he said at a very governmentally official meeting. "So oy thaenks, an' oy thaenks thot wae mieght as woll jorn 'em, 'koz it mieght jes' bae a gud ideya."
posted by Jaja at 5:17 PM 1 comments
Friday, May 20, 2005
Yaks Adopt Communism
It is now official, the Yaks have adopted Communism as their official government, religion, language, ethnicity and knees. This press announcement came yesterday from a high ranking official by the name of Mak the Yak, "Heys all uv usses Comrades. We is ent'rin' new eras frum here now to then later. All uv usses gotza be moorr comrade-ish, yaa. I was thinkin', and is I is thinkin' we is gotza need ourselfs gotza get usses some wars started, and I is thinkin' that usses is gotza start some war aginst cap't'lism. Usses gotza look for'ard into usses footure and usses gotza get cap't'lism outza of in usses ways pronto, yaaaaa." There is expected to be much celebration for the revolutionist who started Communism among the yaks, Quak the Yak. The yaks will probably invade the Moose stronghold, called, in Yakkish, the language of the yaks, Saas-Khatch-Eehe-Wahan.
posted by Jaja at 3:09 PM 1 comments
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Jacob and Benjy get Turned into the Police
Last Tuesday, Jacob and Benjy are reported to have been turned into the police. The cause for this is unknown, but rumors have spread from 34th street to 35th street that it has something to do with the MCAS meeting in Montreal. The rumors became legends when the leader of the MCAS said, "I don't like no protests, 'cause I hain't got no cause like them protests." The legends became rumors again when Benjy said, "I've got relatives in Montreal and I sure hope that the MCAS doesn't try to have lunch with them." Now that Jacob and Benjy are the police, they plan to have lunch with the MCAS, and, after they have both had fourths, arrest the MCAS and sentence them to ten years in prison on the charges of not finishing their grilled chicken. They said in a press conference last Wednesday, "We plan to annihilate Saskatchewan before the MCAS can." However, a herd of mooses threatened to mess up Jacob and Benjy's hair if they did so. Those mooses are rumored to work for the MCAS. They are said to come from British Columbia, and they have an old rivalry with Saskatchewan. The presidnet of the mooses, by the name of Hnorsgh, said in a press conference, "We pwan to win."
posted by Jaja at 3:10 PM 1 comments
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Jacob and Benjy Lead Protest
In a small school of 320 in grades 6-8, there was the largest student protest in a quarter century. Of the approximate 320 students who go to Peabody Middle School, about 11 of them lay down in the gym, stomachs down, with their eyes closed, while teachers threw napkins at the students. The reason for the protest is not known, but it is thought that it might have something to do with the fact that they had MCAS and that MCAS met. The people were interrogated by school interragator Mr. Chaw, and it was found that all of them had been to Saskatchewan. The students of course took MCAS today, which of course stands for Massachusetts Comprehensive Assessment System. But on top of that, the MCAS met today for the first time in 15 years in Downtown Montreal in a well known bar. The MCAS, which of course stands for Montreal Coalition to Annihilate Saskatchewan, was revived under much contraversy after three Saskatchewan High Schoolers accidentally set fire to the St. Lawrence River. Their case is now being reviewed in course, and as for the Peabody School protesters, they will most likely be sent home and given a three day ban, pending an Appeal which is to take place on Saturday at the District Appeals Court. The MCAS will officially declare war on Saskatchewan, on Saturday on the banks of the remnants of the St. Lawrence River, as it is no longer there since it has been burnt.
posted by Jaja at 9:41 PM 0 comments
The Intergalactic Travelers
Last Monday, intergalactic travelers from the Andromeda Galaxy started floating in to Earth and made several demands. These demands were quite simple. The demands only demanded three burgers, one medium fries and a coke. The aliens reported that they had been traveling at half the speed of light, so it had only taken them a bit over four million years to reach Earth. They said it was worth it when they tasted the fries. This website was all of our race that the travelers saw, and thus this site got yakked by the yaks that ran Jacob and Benjy over. And from this website, the aliens came to the surprisingly accurate conclusion the we are totally wacked out and need two or three aspirin. In fact the intergalactic travelers have started a commision to provide two or three aspirin to every person on Earth. An intergalactic spokesman said, "If they refuse to take the aspirin, we'll force it down their throat."
posted by Jaja at 4:04 PM 0 comments
The Cliffs
From publishing "The Cliffs," Benjy has already made enough money to bail all the yaks out of the 3rd floor of the Boston Common Parking Garage. The yaks have already ran him over six more times. He has also made enough money to purchase enough Super Soakers to soak the yaks seven times, and he has done so. Since Benjy does not need the money anymore, he has decided that the Cliffs should be distributed online. Here is the Cliffs:
Not a sound does make
Its entrance into the world
On the Cliffs of Doom.
There lies, on those Cliffs,
The Thing, the One, who must go
To the Land of Death.
The sun sets, into
Àrzig’lämin’pöakû
The City of Trees.
He says, “I dare not
To go to the Land of Death
While I am alive.”
But then, at that time,
Out of the Darkness, there comes
A rumble, a sound.
It was like a train;
The very core of the earth
Rising to the ground
He hears, a Voice: It
Says, “You show great cowardice.
Do not be afraid.”
He replies; He says:
“How can I not be afraid
When there are Barracks?”
The Noise, the Voice, says:
“You must follow the Dark Light
Made by the Swinger.”
“No!” He says, “You, Voice,
Do not understand. I can’t
Go to the Swinger.”
He says, “I cannot
Because she has Banished me
From Her Golden Wood.”
The Sound, the voice; says:
“You need not fear: the Dark Light
Is not in the Wood.”
The Voice continued:
“It is in the Wastebasket
That the Swinger keeps.”
“You must go right now.
The Septuplets are waiting
Go before They cry.”
He says, “Why should I,
Who, in the Beginning, Mopped,
Suffer such Fusion?”
The Voice, the Thing, Says:
“Because there is a reward:
Five trillion dollars.”
He says, He answers,
“I’ll go to the Land of Death
Because of my Pride.”
posted by Jaja at 3:20 PM 2 comments
Monday, May 16, 2005
Benjy writes "The Cliffs"
"He did it because he could." That's what Benjy's friend, commonly known as Breep-Creep, said when Benjy announced that he was publishing a series of haikus called "The Cliffs." Benjy had announced that the Cliffs was being taken to the Harvard Square Publishing Company five minutes earlier, and three days after he had got run over by yaks, floating precariously exactly three meters off the ground, and three yards away from the place where he had got run over. Crowds mongered around Harvard Square and many Harvard Students started biting their fingernails when Benjy started his magnificent, yet repulsive speech. He announced that the Cliffs is part of a 289-haiku series divided into seventeen sections called "the Apocalypse", and that the Cliffs is the first one of the series. Benjy told the crowds audaciously that anyone could now buy a copy of "The Cliffs" for $76. He said that he was going to use the money he made off of "The Cliffs" to do two things. The first thing is to bail all the yaks out of the 3rd Floor of the Boston Common Parking Garage. The second thing is to get even more powerful Super Soakers so that he can soak all the yaks that ran over him. Benjy owns five cows and three yaks. The names of his yaks are Mak the Yak, Quak the Yak, and Jak the Yak, and all of them ran Benjy over.
posted by Jaja at 5:46 PM 0 comments
Jacob and Benjy Get Run Over By Yaks
"They were helpless". That is what millions of people screamed as they filled Harvard Square in protest. The Yaks streamed in from I-90 wielding powerful Super Soakers and clanging their horns against the side of the Harvard Square T Stop. By the time the Cambridge Fire Brigade arrived, the Super Soakers had wilted because they did not have enough soil and sunlight. The Yaks are now being held under bail for $76 on the 3rd Floor of the Boston Common Parking Garage.
posted by Jaja at 10:45 AM 4 comments
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Jacob and Benjy Take to the Streets
In breaking news, Jacob and Benjy took to the streets and half the population of hot dog vendors promptly perished from dehydration, forcing the Janitor Labor Union of America to take decisive action when they released a revision to Code 13A. The revision, which is now being known, simply, as the JamBlam includes a minimum wage for hot dog vendors and an end to the usage of park benches as bar stools.
posted by Jaja at 2:31 PM 1 comments
About Me
Name:Jaja
Location:The Outskirts of Town, New York (which is a world of its own), United States
My name is Jaja Bebe, although it wasn’t always that. You see, I was born under special circumstances. I was raised by a family of squirrels. I was born on a plane ride that began at 5:40. The distance of the plane ride was four hundred yards, so my parents figured that they could have breakfast at six. Just as I was born, some idiot Porsche that had snuck onto the plane drove itself through the aisle, running over my head and my cat. The car later said it was sorry. Most people think that is why I am so weird, but I think it is because I died when I was three. But that's a long story. Let me explain why I started this website now. One day, I was just walking down the street, when a herd of yaks chased me. These yaks were extraverts, meaning that they had less than fifty-seven eyes. The yaks cornered me in a dark alleyway, and then mugged me. Then they held me for ransom for 50 million dollars. I angrily paid that amount myself, muttering about how I was down to $59,950,000,000. So for the rest of my life, I wrote about yaks and how they were all communists. This is just one of my ways of doing that. Another is going to a random street in Boston and singing.
View my complete profile
Links to other Foghorn sites and other sites that we have deemed worthy of making a link to
Foghorn (the Pictures)
Foghorn (Miscellaneous)
Just an all around solid site
The LemmingismTimes
The last few posts that we (the drug smugglers) have written for the embetterment of free-market economies
Jåçøb Found - In Several Pieces
The Llamas Consider Reverting to Anarchy
The Septuplets
NEWS FLASH. NEWS FLASH. NEWS FLASH.
Mass Peasant Revolt Leads to Questions About the Morality of Communism and the General Opinion of Communism
The Elephants Challenge the Lemmings for the Title of A.S.S.
Ål Wins the Cool Duel and Thus the E.U.G.W.J. Wins the First Battle of Hilda
Hilda Begins
NEWS FLASH. NEWS FLASH. NEWS FLASH.
The Second Battle of the T.W.O.W. Takes place in the Gobi Desert with an Intense Round of Mad Libs
Archives (Look all you want, you still won't find 'em)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Free Website Counters
happy 50th posting
Excepet that this is our 49th
Our fiftieth one will be sometime this week, and it will
Revolutionize
The Foghorn way of Thinking -
And it will be Great