Ål Wins the Cool Duel and Thus the E.U.G.W.J. Wins the First Battle of Hilda

Today, Ål and Bêñjÿ faced each other for the Cool Duel in which both people would attempt to ramble on and on about their life and still not bore their opponent. The Walrus, having no major part in the First Battle of Hilda so far, were allowed to be spectators for the cool duel. They were also allowed to make a grand opening for the Cool Duel. They did this by catapulting smokestacks at Ål and Bêñjÿ until the World Health Organization complained that Ål and Bêñjÿ might get the flu. These smokestacks were imported directly from Norway, the word "directly" meaning that Sveq carried them with his tusks from Norway to Northern Canada in a perfectly straight line, swimming across the Norwegain Sea, walking across Greenland, and finally, after some more swimming and walking, arrived in th'Høl. The entire catapulting process had took 3 hours and 41 minutes.

After this fiasco, the Cool Duel really started. Ål and Bêñjÿ faced each other, turned their backs, took three steps, faced each other again, took three steps toward each other, and began telling each other about their life's stories, their secret ambitions, and their least favorite volleyball teams. Ål's story began thus: "I arest thy Lemmings. I was born by thy Lemmings, raised by thy Lemmings, and taught how to do a good goose imitation by thy Lemmings. I wast born in a log cabin five miles north of Elsewhere, the Next Great City. Mine family doest careth for me as they dist whenst I werest but an kipling." Bêñjÿ did not get bored, but the Walrus did, so bored that they started falling asleep, dying, or going out of their minds. Going out of your mind is an unusual experience, quite unlike having your mind go out of your body. When you go out of your mind, your body moves five feet to the left, and your brain falls down onto the ground before it gets taken away by a herd of wild cabbages. However, at this point, Bêñjÿ began.

He said, "Eii waarz bo'orghn reeit ne'ix to a gorr'ej t'enny feiit de'ip an' thraee feiit weide. Azh sho'oorn azh eii waarz bo'orghn, meii paaringtz domp'phd meii eenta th'gorr'ej." Then Bêñjÿ went on to a fifty-minute story about how he was found later by a group of eight-foot-tall fanatics who brought him up as a carving knife. Ål could not help but get bored, and thus, he won. It was debated for a while whether there should be some sort of prize for winning, but it was eventually decided that in an economical war, you fight and try to win for "a greater good". The E.U.G.W.J.'s victory has made some people wonder whether is has something to do with Lemmings owning you, and soon some species might challenge the Lemmings as the A.S.S. in hopes to gain power. The third battle of the T.W.O.W. will still take place on October 10th in the Azores.