Hilda Begins

After the rain cleared up after being paid $5,000, the battle could finally start. For a good 2 hours and 27 minutes, the E.U.G.W.J. and MCAS all just stared at each other, unsure of what to do. This was because they didn't know what "economical" meant (they had only picked that word because its number of letters was exactly 5% of the number of children Ål had), so they were not sure what to do. Then, in a spurt of realization, Mål, Ål's third cousin and former bookie, picked up a stack of 100-dollar bills and threw it at Jåçøb. Jåçøb immedately screamed, commented on what a nice day it was, and then collapsed onto the ground, but not before saying, "I'll be back." It turned out that to Jåçøb, the phrase "I'll be back" referred not to the fact that Jåçøb would wake up, it referred to the fact that Jåçøb was in fact, as the World Health Organization had suspected, a very small virus masquerading as Jåçøb. With Jåçøb temporarily out of the battle, everyone muttered their apologies, even the ones who hadn't done anything, and the battle continued.

Now everyone began seriously debating what the battle was about. For a while, they were satisfied that it was about throwing money, but that sounded too much like something out of the most watched show on Lemming T.V., "I Hate Every Last One of You Except for Clarence". Thus, 3 hours and 14 minutes of debating ensued, 3 hours and 5 minutes of which were silence. Then, at last, a decision was reached - they would argue about the political implications of free-market economies, the rising price of guavas, and the meaning of the word "Go", among other things.

The debate about the political implications of free-market economies began when representatives from the World Health Organization burst in and took Jåçøb away in a large backpack. After that interruption, Uål, Ål's underachieving personal nail clipper suggested that he clip Ål's nails. The E.U.G.W.J. and MCAS stood in disbelief as Uål proceeded to clip Ål's nails with a zeal unmatched since the time of Ål's grandfather, Gregor III. After that interuption, Bêñjÿ had this to say about the political implications of free-market economies, "F'ee maa'kit iconn'meez s'baad. T't'they'z 'orgible." At this point, Queen Elizabeth XXVIII could not take this blunt statement anymore and she kicked Bêñjÿ in the big toe. But Bêñjÿ nevertheless continued. "Eii 'aets'em. Eii kazn't starnd'em. Eii wontz'em ahll dea'd." Seeing this quarrel elevate to an unthinkable maximum, Jacob and Benjy had to intevene. They announced that the First battle of Hilda would be decided in a one-event competition. This would be called "the Cool Duel." In the Cool Duel, Ål and Bêñjÿ would face each other, turn their backs, take three steps, face each other again, take three steps toward each other, and begin telling each other about their life's stories, their secret ambitions, and their least favorite volleyball teams. The first one to get bored would win. The competition will take place tomorrow.

The Walrus are shocked by the outcome of this first battle, but in the end they said it was only natural for it to end this way. Sveq said at a press conference today, "This firs' battle 'snatural. 'Snormal. This battle 'llbring naturalness 'n'normality to all o'th'Walrus. I's greatly excited." As for the second battle of the T.W.O.W., it was declared over, since the leaders of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. and the Cap't'lists are still wandering after five days. The third battle of the T.W.O.W. will take place on October 10th in the Azores, although this date is subject to change if the leaders of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. and the Cap't'lists are still wandering by that date.

First Battle of Hilda

Place: Cap't'lists' Hindquarters

Date: September 20, 2005
Money Lost:
E.U.G.W.J: $0.00
MCAS: $0.00
Total Money Lost: $0.01
Money Gained:
E.U.G.W.J: $0.00
MCAS: $0.00
Total Money Gained: $0.02
Hurt:
E.U.G.W.J.: 0
MCAS: 1*
Total Hurt: 1

*Not only was Jåçøb hurt, but he was also carried away in a large backpack by a represenatative of the World Health Organization. His whereabouts are unknown. If you see him, please call Us, the Drug Smugglers on our cell phone. He was however last sighted wearing Mickey Mouse pajamas and a dunce cap.