The Communists Win the Fool Fight and the First Battle of the T.W.O.W.

Today, at high noon, Jak the Yak, Nüt, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, and Zyggi the Zebra faced Smorgasborg, Ølåf, Idyll Brown, and Idyl Brownn for the fool fight, the last part of a three-day competition to decide the outcome of the first battle of the incipient T.W.O.W. A group of 76.8 fools, who had been stored for use in the fool fight, were unleashed by order of foolishness, and were at once thrown around. The first fool was Fortnight Plock, a notorious bankrobber who had turned himself in for the reward money. When Plock was first thrown, he made sure he landed on his head so it would hurt less. The second fool was was Griphems Flemm, who led a rebellion against the U.S., and when the U.S. soldiers started closing in on him and his comrades, he decided he would "die for his country" and let them kill him. In the end, he got beheaded, a practice that was supposed to have stopped, and he only counts for .8 of a person. After the first five fools, the fools unleashed were just common fools, ordinary fools, or tomfools. After a while, the fools got tired of being thrown around, and decided that they would organize a revolt. Unfortunately, the revolt was foolishly planned, so it didn't work. Here's what happened: the Fools went up to Jak the Yak, telling him that they were planning a revolt. Jak the Yak, very calmly, said he was interested in their revolt, and he'd like to know the details. The Fools, being fools, told him everything. With this knowledge, the Communists and Cap't'lists were able to crush the revolt. Then the Communists and Cap't'lists punished the Fools, telling them they would have to get smarter. Then the fool fight continued. Eventually, Jak the Yak commented that he felt foolish doing this. This qualified as saying that this is a foolish thing to do, so the Communists won the fool fight, and the battle. So the first battle of the T. W. O.W. was decided. A used copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was delivered to the Communists today, and so was a baseball card of Willie Mays. The legal forms giving the Communists possession of the Montreal City Dump are being signed right now. The Communists now have the advantage, because the Cap't'lists are willing to pay any price for the used copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.