Jacob and Benjy Day

For the past 50 days, all the characters in Foghorn have prepared diligently for the celebration of Jacob and Benjy Day, May 15. Jacob Day occurs every year on May 15th which is the day that Jacob and Benjy took to the streets. The celebration was held today in the small town of Flø, Norway, with a population of approximately 100 people, located at 62º 24' N 5º 52' W. Qrak the Yak played "Somebody Just Hit Me on the Head with an Anvil". Most of the notes he played were the wrong notes, but no one noticed, so it doesn't matter.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE

Peace out, dudes.

The Species in Foghorn Awake From Hibernation

We (the drug smugglers) have heard just microseconds ago that all the species in Foghorn have awoken from a 4.5-month hibernation that lasted from November 3rd to March 26th. The yaks, emus, llamas, zebras, mooses, musk oxen, zeubs, elephants, walruses, lemmings, and air hogs woke up within a few seconds of each other, and immediately started commenting on the color of blue paint, and questioning the morality of Daylight Savings Time. Soon, they got bored with all this pointless banter and started wondering how many of the animals had actually hibernated.

It turned out that the actual percentage of animals who hibernated was much higher than the predicted percentage. It was predicted that 68.7239% of all the animals in Foghorn would hibernate, and the actual percentage was 99.9993%. Of all the yaks, emus, llamas, zebras, mooses, musk oxen, zeubs, elephants, walruses, lemmings, and air hogs, Wak the Yak was the only one not to hibernate. For six and a half months, Wak the Yak worked non-stop on his book about the history of the T.W.O.W. Then after reading his book, he was struck by how bloody and violent the T.W.O.W. had been. He became a devout pacifist (but still a devout Communist) and swore to put an end to the T.W.O.W. He signed a peace treaty with himself, ending the T.W.O.W.

When the species in Foghorn realized what Wak the Yak had done, they immediately decided to restart the T.W.O.W. "I is meanings, we is cannot be stopping them T.W.O.W., at least not yet," said Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu. "I is meanings, we didn't not us have 'nof, action. We is needings them war be going on much more longer." Zyggi the Zebra made a much simpler statement: "It ain't over until it's over." Thus the Communists and Cap't'lists signed a non-peace treaty. Here it is, reproduced verbatum for your pleasure:

Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R and Cap't'lists Peace Treaty

I. It's not over

P.S. We love all of you except the people who we don' t like

Wak the Yak is currently being held in the local jail of Montreal, with Bewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu. The two are currently playing a game of Monopoly. Wak the Yak currently has $384, has bought Kentucky Avenue, Park Place, Baltic Avenue, and Boardwalk, and he has a house on Park Place. Bewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu has $495, has bought Mediterranean Avenue, Kentucky Avenue, Reading Railroad, Connecticut Avenue, Oriental Avenue, and Vermont Avenue, and he has a house on Connecticut Avenue and Vermont Avenue.


As for Jacob and Benjy, they did not hibernate, but they don't count since they're not animals. What they are, it's difficult to say. To keep themselves busy while their friends were hibernating, they played with a 6-sided die that they had confiscated from Jak the Yak while he was hibernating. The die was made from old pencil shavings, 38-carat gold, and salad dressing. If the die landed on 1, 2, or 3, Jacob earned one point. If the die landed on 4,5, or 6, Benjy got one point. At the point where the animals woke from hibernation, the score was tied, with each having 8,271 points. Once Jak the Yak realized that his die was stolen, he immediately demanded it back. Jacob and Benjy replied, saying that they would give the die back if Jak the Yak could beat them in a game. The game would be played like this: if the dice landed on a 1, 2, or 3, Jak the Yak would get one point. If the dice landed on a 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, or 6, Jacob and Benjy would get two points. Jacob and Benjy are currently waiting for Jak the Yak's reply.

It is not known where Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ currently are. There is one rumor that they are eating snow in Alaska, and another rumor that they are swimming in the middle of the Laptev Sea.

Now that the T.W.O.W. has started again, the Communists and Cap't'lists are debating where to have the fourth battle. Similarly, the E.U.G.W.J. and the MCAS are debating where to have the third battle of Hilda. We will continue to update you as the news comes.

Geoffrey

He knows the sun has set,
Becuase it is dark.
Some call this a gift,
We call it a curse

FOGHORN IS BACK (maybe)

DEVELOPING STORY

We have been informed from an inside source that FOGHORN, the story of a couple of guys in gorilla suits, is making a comeback. FOGHORN was on maternity leave, thus she has been absent for quite a while. The last time she spoke was a couple of weeks ago to inform us that she was experiencing happiness. FOGHORN is expected to deliver baby at Foghorn in the Mountain. The baby will be named foghorn.

On a similar note, it is with great regret to report that Jaja Bebe has come back to life. The cruel dictator from Wxyzystan had died on a remote island in Hudson Bay a while back. It is being reported that he was brought back to life using advanced methods of an obscure branch of Astrology. Jaja Bebe is a Virgo.

We also have repots that a peace treaty was signed that brought the T.W.O.W. to an end. The peace treaty was very consice, and very to the point. It ois reproduced, verbatim for youir viewing pleasure

Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R and Cap't'lists Peace Treaty

I. It's over


P.S. We love all of you

Happiness

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

The End of the Pincushion and the First Signs of Winter Force the Animals into Hibernation

The Pincushion is over. Everything that was previously delayed (battles, Elephant-Lemming debates) will take place sometime this month. Also, Foghorn (Miscellaneous), which went off the air on the 18th, will be on the air again until it is in between the air and its right to free speech. But new things are also to be considered, now that it is November, and winter will be on the way in less than two months. It was once said that winter is the time of hardship for all animals. But now it is instead said that winter is the time of high shipping rates for online-bought tofu.

Furthermore, there is another problem: hibernation. Many of the species in Foghorn will be hibernating from December to March. None of the species are truly hibernators, but for the animals, hibernating sounds like a "civilized" thing to do. "Hibernatin's showing's us that we's diff'rent, more...s'phisticated, from the rest o'them, that we's has... 'ntell'gence?" said Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu said recently. "And, it's like, dude, like, in dude, like, ya get my drift?" said Zyggi the Zebra. "It's so in that I can't even describe it." Zyggi went on to describe how "in" hibernating was. In fact, new catch phrases such as "hibernatin's vibratin' " and "you don't snooze, you lose" and "sleep on it, whatever it is" have arisen. In fact, nearly 68.7239% of all species in Foghorn are expected to hibernate this winter.

There is expected to be articles on Foghorn less frequently, because things will move a lot slower with so many people hibernating. But do not be disappointed. Instead, make Foghorn articles more of a rarity, and maybe have late night/early morning/afternoon/evening parties whenever new articles come out. If instead, you turn to awaiting new articles such as "a" and "the", then I don't think any new ones will come out.

The Eggbeater

Part XVII: (The Eggbeater)

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

The Road

Part XVI (The Road)

This story resolves,
With this one final chapter –
Just before the end

The Emus have walked,
All this way to save poor Pens,
Frozen as she is

It's time to decide
Whether saving Pens is right -
Or even moral

On such a great chioce,
They must call upon Zonto.
He can help them now!

Should Pens be frozen?
In her old poor present state.
Or should she be freed?

Obvious reasons
State why freeing her is wrong.
She MUST stay frozen!

But is it unfair?
Zonto argues his own point -
How would YOU like it?

Every single day,
being consciously Frozen,
Just waiting for Nulschzk!

“Hmmmm...” say the Emus,
This is such a dilemma!
O, but what to do?

And after much thought,
And great brainstorming sessions,
They decide on it

They shall call on Báäâåk.
They did him a great Favor.
Now he shall do theirs.

This boon that they ask,
Is not simply to help -
It is now his job.

The Emus are done!
They don't want this great burden!
They dump it on Báäâåk!

Instead they shall eat!
Crumpets are guzzled with tea!
They have all been FREED!

And as for poor Báäâåk,
What fate does he choose for pens?
In the end, it is -

That's it! That's the end!
I do hope you've enjoyed it!
All Pincuchion sings:

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s mediocre

The Choice

Part XV (The Choice)

The Emus could now
Think without having to drink
The water of Splrøöçkh

This was due to he,
Zonto, who in his fig cakes
Let them Drink their Worst

For he needed them,
To find the Great musty dog –
Who is known as Spades

Spades had run away,
Now they needed to find him –
And they did this now

With the great blue nose,
And their good-ol’ Stolen Paks,
They could go quite fast…

In fact, it only
Took them three and a half days
To reach the dog, Spades

When they found dog, spades,
They began, slowly, quickly,
Doing their great task

This task, was, Fløhrph, to
Consume all of Spades’ Marshes
With their Golden tongues

Their tongues were golden
‘Cause that’s the color of Beans –
Which they truly loved

Now it was his turn,
Of Spades, his wonderful turn –
To say a few words

Those words which he said
Were this: Thank you, you emus
You’ve done me a frood

Consuming Marshes,
Those marshes were annoying!
Then he went away

Now pens had to talk,
He said, You hain’t hurried up
With you’s noble task

You hain’t done you’s job,
To unfreeze me, me, Poor Pens
You’s must do this now

The emus all looked
At each other and the fish –
That were Everywhere

The emus all now
Chanted their good ol’ Chorus –
Which does go like this:

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

The Prophet

Part XIV (The Prophet)

Many a time, we -
Stop to think about Zonto.
His gobbledygooks.

When Zonto came down,
From his great throne in the sky,
The Emus marveled.

He is their leader!
They will now go and find Pens!
Maybe unfreeze him.

Lo, and Beholding,
For thine eyes art thou dosting!
Nonsensical verse!

And Zonto told them
And all the Emus listened.
They learned of the Nose.

The Emus all stared,
The Nose being Powered Flight,
And marveled again.

This flight they could use!
It would shorten their journey!
But Zonto cared nought.

They were so saddened,
On this flabbergasted day -
That Zonto did weep

But his fears did not,
And neither did the paper.
So they marched onward.

Confetti was stopped.
Right there in it's great tracking.
For it's boots were dead.

After burial,
The Emus had to Discuss.
On what, we don't know.

After discussing,
The court was adjourned promptly.
The Great Court of SMMOTTTT.

The Great Court of SMMOTTTT!
How amazing it would be!
If it existed.

This one final block.
Had kept all the Emus stumped.
Until Zonto came.

Zonto the Silly.
Not really Silly, but Wise.
Zonto the Prophet.

On this fateful day,
The Emus shall prosper thrice!
And as they all sing:

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s mediocre

The Fence

Part XIII (The Fence)

Round and round and round,
The emus chase Nephew, Pright
Thru’ the Endless Fields

Meanwhile, to the South,
Good Báäâåk watches the whole thing –
Not Daring to Sneeze

Báäâåk is always there;
Gliding along the Trêé-Tøpz –
Watching the whole Scene

He is Wondering
Whether he should Help emus
Capture Nephew, Pright

People from both sides
Of the argument try to
Influence his thoughts

All those People shout
With rhetoric and Hamstrings
What they’d like to do

Báäâåk is overwhelmed;
Having a choice makes him Damp –
Finned out like an Eel

Pressure to Decide
Makes him very unhappy –
He is Disgruntled

But then, they all come –
The Soft Ones, the Whimpering –
Who sleep in the End

Now the Soft Ones shout:
Yube veri füülisch nøcht
Tu help them Ëmuhzz

Thæink uvff vät vihll khuum
Tu päsz ïhf yu dunøcht help
Ænd Priiët døsz es’käpp

Yuhr førchtünh vihll gœ
Ïhn’tu thär händsz ufvv Plrgøhrstrümghph
Whœn yukännøt Frëizkzh

Then Báäâåk now did Say,
Yes: I-shall helpem Emus
Kappturr Neph: ew – Pright

Now Báäâåk strolled Along,
‘Til alas! he came to Place –
House, where emus Lay

Then Báäâåk now did Say,
I’s-kumm: Helpu get Neph: ew –
It’s be for-yur Good

The Emus now Said,
We Captured Pright long Ago;
And the Emus said:

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s mediocre

The Spoof

Part XII (The Spoof)

Securing the packs
Required such things as skill –
And telepathy

Báäâåk was all the way,
Helping the poor emus keep
Themselves from splurging

On the Corn of Køôöórn,
The Emus lay down to rest –
They were soon disturbed

The Great Disturber
Is truly capable of –
Many certain things

You should fear him so,
For he will not forgive you –
Do not even try.

“Clump clump” goes the Wind
On darkened Saturday nights –
Or maybe Thursday

When Awakening,
The Emus shall have baths, with
Financial support

Venture Cap't'lists –
In all their morbid glory,
Can do them no harm

They are trusted men,
Who cannot steer you astray –
Unless you seek luck

All that they shall say,
And everything they shall do,
Is documented

Then they saw the moose,
The moose, great spewing antlers –
Nearly to a point!

But this was no moose,
This was Pright, the nephew –
Who has flown for sage

The emus all said,
Nephew, why you’s gone an’ flown!
You should know be’er

Now nephew, pright, said:
I flew for the sake of Sawn –
Whom I do not know

The Emus all said,
It’s ours duty – getting’ you,
S’we has’a do it

The Emus all charged
Through the Surreptitious lads –
And they all did say:

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It's mediocre

The Falls

Part XI (The Falls)

After the great race
(The Emus came in Seventh),
The Emus did rest.

With resting complete,
And rats in their spinal discs,
The Emus could walk.

With out the Jet-Paks,
Their speed just wasn't grueling.
And so they all sigh

The great sigh Echoed;
Reverberated through snows –
With Seventeen Falls

The Seventeen falls –
The Great monument of Báäâåk
Which none can deny

Are Sweet, just like milk,
Milk, salty with all the flesh
Of Báäâåk’s Chartreuse Cats

Báäâåk does seek revenge –
Revenge on his young nephew –
Who will go to fly

Báäâåk asks the Emus
To help them with his brave quest –
So he can prevail

The Emus consent -
To help Báäâåk with his brave quest -
And his Chartreuse Cats.

But alas, alak!
Alaz, alax, alal, slat!
The Nephew has flown.

In Báäâåk's greatest rage,
He struck out at the Emus!
Helpless as they were.

But Báäâåk's Chartreuse Cats
Protected all the Emus –
He thwarted poor Báäâåk

The Emus all said,
If we had all them Jet-Paks,
We could catch him soon

Will you help us steal
The Paks from the great Allfghbo’r
Who has Won the race?

Now Báäâåk sighed a sigh
Worth remembering for years –
He said, Yes, I will

The emus Could not
Conceal their great Happiness –
Even as they said:

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s mediocre

The Race

Part X (The Race)

Lovingly crafted,
He was the perfect idol.
The Emus loved him.

Bokal’é’kimosh
Flying, running, walking, he -
was the best statute.

Seventeen golems
Could not stop the Great Morkif –
Bokal’é’kimosh

Bokal’é’kimosh
Bokal’é’kimosh the strong –
Bokal’é’kimosh

The emus needed
To win the Great race, to get
The golden Jet-paks

With these golden paks,
The Emus could get to spades –
And eat his marshes

Spades had run away –
The emus needed to find
Him to rescue Pens

Bokal’é’kimosh
They needed to win the race
To get their Jet-Paks

The Golden Jet-Paks!
Oh, the beauteous objects –
Allowing you, too

The Emus wanted -
the Jet-Paks for two reasons –
One which’s been said

The other reason
Is to be the great envy
Of all of the lands

No-one has seen them.
Come in close contact with one,
or even touched one!

the emus thought, and
At last decided to win –
Not come in Seventh

The race was going
To start very, very soon –
Emus were ready

At last the whistle,
The golden whistle of Plrghäännh
Blew its nose to death

The Emus started
Bokal’é’kimosh and flew –
Not before they said:

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s mediocre

The Fight

Part IX: (The Fight)

Their run-in with Pens
Sh'joc'ked the Emus so greatly;
They could only flail.

Ironically, Pens -
Watched the Emus so closely –
Though he's still frozen.

Upon reaching Quirm,
Aflbrchtr, the Contortionist Mouse,
Strangely greeted them.

Unexpectedly,
It was HE who had saved Pens.
A fact known by none

None needed to part
With the company of Aflbrchtr –
His beloved friend

See, none had a task –
The task was to guide Pens and
Emus all the way

None was unwilling
To do this dreadful act of
Blfrichfblrendkrlopckhlenronpk

Now the Emus cried –
They cried of fate and despair –
For their mouths had broke

With such broken mouths,
They Cannot sing their phrases –
It's impossible

Pens was no help here.
She was still on the dog Spades –
This Pens is a fake!??

The emus just fell,
In an elaborate trap!
What were they to do?

With their broken mouths,
And no way to fight the Light,
There’s only one choice:

The emus did this,
So Regurgitatingly,
They Felt no despair

The Emus gurgled
Their tongues into a crevice –
And Their Mouths were fixed

They then recited
The Twelve verses of the Fork –
Which None could not stand

Now None did collapse;
His feat went into the Muck –
And the emus said:

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s mediocre

The Jog

Part VIII (The Jog)

Pens is now abroad.
Gigantic open turnpikes.
For her to wander.

Worrying emus,
On a frantic search for Pens,
Stop to eat flapjacks.

Not any flapjacks -
will satisfy these Emus
Only Splorkerkephp®

After flapjack time,
The Emus rest for the night.
Tomorrow, they romp.

Now they day dawns bright;
Bright as the Gray Beagle’s flesh –
Brightened by the night

Now the emus see
The gray beagle, pruning his
Orange-golden fur

The emus ask him,
Do you know where we could find
Our good old friend Pens?

The Beagle moaned
And then his face turned somber –
Like an orange fish

But then, there came Pens;
Pens, the Warrior-Healer –
He strode gallantly.

Saving the beagle,
He spoke this to the Emus:
What you been up to?!?!?

Emus were speechless.
Not one among them shifted.
Pens was their friend, right?

Pens was furious
But refused to tell why
Until he said this:

You have not been keen
On completing your great task
To unfreeze me, Pens

You must stay focused
You’ve been dilly-dallying –
That is your great crime

I must come with you;
To keep you staying on my task –
You’re destined to flail

All the emus Gazed
Ironically at the sky
‘Til they Fin’ly said:

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It's mediocre

The Joy

Part VII: (The Joy)

Emus trudged along.
All the very well-worn paths.
Looking for Something.

Something was a fish.
And not a very bright one –
He ran for freedom.

The fools soon found him,
And he's back with the Emus –
Disgruntled Emus

As the Plarch landed,
The Emus all Plurchdesed up.
And Reldinaflerred

Now they saw what loomed
Like a curtain before them –
The very dark zoo

They entered the zoo,
And saw before them Bígh Brüûr –
Napkins shaded pink

They told Bígh Brüûr,
We’re here to negotiate
Pardon for our crimes

Now bígh brüûr told them,
Your requests will be fulfilled –
Would you like some tea?

Declining the tea,
Oh so very politely,
bígh brüûr got enlarged

You don't like my TEA?
The sound echoed through the night –
The Emus cowered.

We will take your tea,
They all said quite timidly.
Almost dead from fright

And then...it happened.
With a minuscule *squeek* noise,
It ran 'cross the room

Cats had come, and so
Had PręñīfÆldîþsŒŔķ – they
Had found them at last

Come with us! They said
They plan to disembowel you –
You have to escape?

All right, they all sighed,
And then, slowly, they came, for
They knew that they must

The Emus all cried
In joy of this new friendship –
They said in despair:

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

The Feast

Part VI: (The Feast)

Upon the altar,
Many strange things were spoken.
All of the stories.

Spades had run away,
Taking with him poor old Pens,
Still frozen as cats

Cats was not happy,
The emus had attacked him twice.
He griped the whole day.

On his search for spades,
The PręñīfÆldîþsŒŔķ lunged
Disturbing him so.

Cats, in his anger,
Calmly asked him to stop, the
PręñīfÆldîþsŒŔķ

In his Fury, the
PręñīfÆldîþsŒŔķ asked him
If He’d like some help

Cats said yes, He would
And so It was decided –
The Twosome went off

PręñīfÆldîþsŒŔķ
And Cats were powerful, but
They needed Emus.

Cats proposed a plan,
PręñīfÆldîþsŒŔķ agreed –
Ambushing emus!

They struck up their camp,
Which took a very long time –
and waited 'till dawn.

At long last, dawn came!
But no emus within sight –
Somebody told them

Treason! Felony!
PręñīfÆldîþsŒŔķ and Cats
Could not think of who

But then, at last they
Realized the awful truth, but
Nice at the same time

The water had told,
‘cause it wanted the emus
To go to the zoo

It wanted them to
Meet Bígh Brüûr, so that they could
Disembowel them all

Now the twosome cursed –
‘Til they thought it was no use –
For, as they both said,

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

The Flight

Here is "The Flight", the fifth part of the Pincushion:

Part V: (The Flight)

Mountains Loomed ahead,
But still the Emus “Went” on –
For they had to still

They also had to
Distill the Water in the
Çhäshmísh LÅk of Äfrngrbr

But the Water did
Not want itself to be Used
For the Emus’ Ways

It Wanted To be
Restilled in A Frying Pan –
A fate worse than Life

Life was to irate
And way too overrated
For the LÅk water

So the emus wept
Because the water was tough,
And got too delayed

At long last they ceased
Wiping their eyes (somehow), they
All stood up to leave.

The water cried out:
We didn’t mean it at all!
Emus wept again

Okay, they said, if
You are truly sorry, you
Will show your remorse

Do not be so tough,
Then we will take you, and then –
There comes – the Ringing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Water cried out
In shock and in five pieces,
You can not do that!

It’s against the Law;
Bígh Brüûr will imprison you –
For it is his Will

Then the Emus said,
Take us to Bígh Brüûr, we want
To See him up close.

The Water could do
Nothing but to obey Them –
For they pledged to go

And The Water moved
To The East, to the Dark Zoo –
Where Bígh Brüûr did Lie

The Emus Followed,
For it was Their only hope –
As They went, they said:

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

The Plunge

Here is "the Plunge", the fourth part of the Pincushion:

Part IV: (The Plunge)

With the Desert Past,
The Emus got Sick and they coughed
Onto their New shoes

Those Shoes they had got
From the Old Relinquished Blob;
Who gave them the Key

They Sold all their Fruit
For the Key and for the Shoes
They Wore on their Feet

Little did They Know;
The Shoes were made out of Glass –
And soon They would break

The key was stronger,
Then all those fragile glass shoes
But it is no use

The shoes are broken,
The key will open nothing,
And yet they trudge on.

Determination
Is one thing the Emus have,
It’s their only tool.

For Pens took all else,
In a giant fit of rage,
Her power is great.

Now they get Enraged
And Also, They Get Enlarged
By their Shoeless Feet

They want revenge, on
The Kind old relinquished blob
Who made Them bad shoes

But then, as they leap
The Kind old relinquished Blob
Appears Before Them.

He Says, I made you
Bad shoes, Because I Despise
You and your Chickens

Always the squawking,
And the chickens are much worse.
The blob had a point.

But the Emus said:
We do not mean any harm!
And they trampled him.

Now on with their quest!
On to the next adventure!
Plunging down mountains.

But just as they go,
They remembered the sentence,
As they plunged, they yelled:

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa.
It’s mediocre.

The Drought

Here is "The Drought", the third part of the Pincushion:

Part III: (The Drought)

Soon, All the Cherries
Were Moaning at the sight of
The Emus’ Long March

The Emus March, To
H’low’d ‘L’Tar ‘F Pveqinkr
To Unfreeze poor Pens

The Cherries Could not
Bear to Hear the sound of the
Slow-Approaching doom

Emus Are this Doom,
Plucking all the Poor cherries
From their Iron Trees

The tall Iron Trees
With all of their cherries plucked,
Would cry out for Pens

Pens would not come, though
This disheartened the trees so –
But he Did not Care

The “Doom” just “moved” on
Without one thought or one care
About wretched trees

With these poor cherries,
Their plan may be completed
Very Evilly

What They had to do
Was to gather the Cherries
To Sell to the Blob

The Relinquished Blob,
The Mighty one, would lend them
The Key to the Floor

When they Passed this Floor,
They would be one step Closer
To Reaching their Goal

The Trees, However
Would not give their great Fight
For their Silver Fruits

They were more valued
Than the Jiggerblank of Snoghll,
Or the big Bëltøv.

The trees objected,
So the emus gave them plums –
They were Satisfied

With no trees to fight
The Emus could just move on,
Through the big desert

Despite all their thirst,
They remembered the great words,
Which they will recite:

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa
It’s mediocre

The Mouse

Here is "the Mouse", the second part of the Pincushion:

Part II: (The Mouse)

Pens’ Eyes were glued to
The Omnipresent Winking
That Comes from the Chair

The tissue crinkled
The bubble-wrap was snapping,
But Pens Found His wine

But then, Despite Fate,
There came a sharp Hissing Noise –
The Noise of the Mouse

It was so precise
Like “many” raspberry jams
That the Emus Wailed

The Contortionist Mouse
Had Come, Facing all the Fears
Of Losing his Steak

It was too Mellow
For the poor mouse to endure –
The Emus’ Whoopings

Now the Mouse Spoke:
You Have Behaved like a Fish –
Without His Bearings

And so furthermore,
You shall grow like an onion -
Pens will Bequeath Thee

Unless, of course, you
In Your high Exaltedness,
Undo your Great Crime

Ye shall speak This Phrase:
“M n’m s’not Joyv’snoys’n
Y’ sh’d nt kn’w th’t”

Speak This into the
H’low’d ‘l’tar ’f Pvequinkr
To Unfreeze poor Pens

If you fail this task
Go drown in the Skagerrak!
And “good” riddiance

You Must do this Now,
For time is Running out, of
The Forests of Spades

If spades goes away
You shall consume his marshes
With your golden tongues

The Emus Stared at
One Another, and the Sky –
And They Knew Their Fate

Then the Emus said
Their Own much exalted phrase –
Which they Chanted now:

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

The Curse

It has happened.

A series of 289 haikus, divided into seventeen parts of seventeen haikus, and called "the Pincusion" has been completed by Benjy and his mysterious friend, Ostrapolaan, wrote the Pincushion as a way to escape from Içkçhåçhêfø, a small kingdom in the middle of the Atlantic, and to have a fun time.

It is not known where Benjy and Ostrapolaan met, but it is rumored that they met in the World, a small pub that was blown up by the Communists, and that they were introduced to each other by the World, who is still currently visiting the state of Mourning.

The Pincushion will be released one part at a time, every day from October 15 to October 31, and during this time, no other articles on Foghorn will be released, and in fact, the Elephant-Lemming A.S.S. debate, which was supposed to happen some time this month, has been postponed to November.

Here is the first part of the Pincushion, entitled "the Curse":

The Pincushion:

(Written by former accomplices Benjamin Boyajian and Benjamin Lovy)

Description: (A collection of two Hundred eighty-nine haikus, dived into Seventeen sets of Seventeen Haikus, about the Tale of Seventeen Emus, named Billy, Bob, Joe, Moe, Carrots, Frieda, Hank, Sharp, Smith, Luke, Zig, Zyg, Zenny, Jennifer, Sausagehead, Muffinlegs, and Al, A Mouse which Happens to be a Contortionist, a Colony of Fleas Which live on Spades the Dog and are Led by Pens, the Great Warrior-Healer Flea, and…um, that’s All)

Part I: (The Curse):

Seventeen emus
Will never be connected –
Neither shall They Sleep

The Emus should Fail
In their everyday Tasks –
It is but their Fate

But, then again, Wait –
The Contortionist Mouse will
Steal their Dogs and Cats

The Cats and Dogs Wail
About Nonexistent Clocks –
That Swim in the Air

Nonexistent Clocks
Should not be Ticking at All –
Dispose of it Now?

All, the Place of Pens –
A pen in the Mouse’s Mouth
Choking it to Death

Pens will never Walk;
But She is amiable –
A queer little Chap

Pens, the King of Spades
Hovers above the wet ground –
Wettened by my Cat

Spades, the Musty Dog –
He’s a Colony of Fleas
This is Ruled by Pens

Spades’ Fleas’ Spades are Sharp;
Just like the Eyes of Emus –
Which see in the Light

The Emus all March;
Slowly, Through the Corridors –
They’re Destined to Flail

They’re Straining to See
The Truth about Life and Clothes;
And All, of the Pens

For Now Comes the Truth;
The Emus are Spying Pens
Riding on the Dog

Now they Confront Pens;
They Say: We Knowst Where Thou Art
And Pens Froze like Juice

In her frozen state,
She ordered the Emus out
But to no avail.

They just stayed and Talked
‘Bout Life and Maple Syrup –
And their eyebrows said:

Quintessentially,
Iowa is Iowa –
It’s Mediocre

The E.U.G.W.J. and MCAS Take the Implications of the Word "Economical" Seriously in the Second Battle of Hilda

Today, the E.U.G.W.J. and MCAS met inside the lamaple maple tree that was declared the place for the second battle of the T.W.O.W. It was difficult fitting everyone into a tree, and in the end, everyone got less space than their body mass. For almost three hours, they debated what to do for the second battle. The first battle, it seemed to them, though extremely fun, seemed a bit unsatisfying and only seemed like a victory for the MCAS, who lost the first battle. But then finally, Bêñjÿ said, "Weii neidkz tu d'oou sompthreeing fhoor the sechzond baehtle uf Heeilda. Eii seazh weii taekthz th'meeingg uf "eec'noumic'l" seerioszhly. Laeght's du sompthreeing that d'oouz weeth th'eec'noumy."

It was eventually decided after over six hours that they should follow Bêñjÿ's advice. It was also decided the battle would be about minimum wage. The E.U.G.W.J. and MCAS had different goals for this battle. The E.U.G.W.J.'s goal was to raise the MCAS's minimum wage, so Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ would have to pay the Walrus more. Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ hate paying the Walrus, and only do so because Sveq threatened to eat Rice Krispies if they weren't paid. The MCAS's goal is instead to lower the E.U.G.W.J.'s minimum wage. Because the Lemmings and Penguins are so poor, their minumum wage is 1 cent per year. If the mininum wage was lowered to 1 cent per 18 months, there would be mass poverty and revolts. The battle started on the count of 62, 174.

The E.U.G.W.J.'s plan was to write a plea to the government entitled "Low Minimum Wage brings mass poverty and revolts to the Walrus." Unfortuately, when it was being sent through the post office, it was accidentally picked up by the intergalactic travelers, who were on earth to celebrate the five-month anniversary of Foghorn. The intergalactic travelers misinterpreted the letter to be a complaint about low sales of aspirin on Earth. The intergalactic travelers have been selling aspirin ever since the fourth article of Foghorn, and now they are doubling their sales. Unfortuately, the E.U.G.W.J. did not accomplish their mission.

The MCAS's plan went amuck as well. Their plan was to hack into the E.U.G.W.J's account. The only computer they found was a 1991 Apple. Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ wanted a table to put the computer on, and asked the first table they found if if would mind having a computer on it. The table remained silent. After all, it had a right to. This silence made Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ think that the table was refusing, so they asked again, and the table still did not talk. Rumor has it that Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ are still trying to get the table to answer.

After the E.U.G.W.J. and the MCAS tried for several unsuccessful hours with their plans, a rumor somehow broke out that the natioinal minimum wage was being lowered from $5.15 to $5.05. This caused mass chaos, and many of the lemmings suddenly became absurdly interested in counting the number of skin cells on their ears. Eventually, the second battle of Hilda was declared a draw. The E.U.G.W.J. and MCAS went back to their homes for self-evaluation. At the same time, the third battle of the T.W.O.W. was declared a draw.

The Llamas Decided Not to Revert Back to Anarchy

Today, at a press conference, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu announced that the llamas are have decided not to revert to anarchy. His speech went something like this: "Them llamas is nots feeling goods so far 'bout that communism, not with theys peasants not likings that communism. But we's keepin' them communism. Cause we likes it. Even though them peasants don't like it. We is not no more considering us going us back to that thing, anarchy, what months 'n' months 'go, we is livings by. We is used us living by anarchy what months 'n' months 'go, we is anarchists 'fore we is communists, and we's happies. And us people is them happy. But we's don't care. We's sticking with communism."

It turns out that the yaks, emus and zebras had since September 30th to today been trying to convince the llamas not to revert to anarchy again. During those 14 days, the llamas had endured 71 sessions of peer mediation, and 514 sessions of peer meditation. Then, finally after two hard weeks, the llamas had given in. The llamas would still follow communism. Still, the effects of the mass peasant revolt haven't worn away, even though the Ninth Amendent to the Zdydldedrish Constitution has stopped all such revolts. In fact, a tenth amendment has been proposed, which goes something like this:

Amendment X to the Zdydldedrish Consitution: Of Books That Are Against Communism

Proposed: October the Thirteenth in the Year of Two Thousand and Five

a. The book entitled the Good Old Days shall hereby be banned, and no one can purchase it under penalty of death.
b. If Bewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu changes the title to something else, it shall still be banned.
c. All books like the Good Old Days are also banned.

The second battle of Hilda will be in two days.

Third Battle of the T.W.O.W. ends in Joke War Resulting in a Lot of Deaths

Third Battle of T.W.O.W.
Place: the Azores
Date: October 10, 2005
Casualties:
Communists: 48
Cap't'lists: 37
Total: 85
Total Casualties of T.W.O.W.
Communists 49
Cap't'lists: 39
Total: 88


Today, the armies of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. and the Cap't'lists congregated in the southwestern area of the Azores to fight the third battle of the T.W.O.W. By now, the armies were seasoned fighters even though they hadn't done any fighting. This impossibility is currently being examined by the World Health Organization, and over 26,000 people might get diagnosed with a terminal illness. Since the armies were so seasoned, they didn't even bother wasting any time, and immediately plunged down the Valley of Broken Pieces of Rice Krispies, as it is now called in honor of Jaja Bebe.

After nearly two hours of shooting, a total of 18 people were dead: 8 on the Communists' side, and 10 on the Cap't'lists'. But suddenly, the air hogs appeared out of a small opening between a legs of a 18" by 26.5" table that had accidentally wandered into the Azores. Then Soozie, the leader of the air hogs spoke. He said, "You really need to tell thome joketh. It'th really nethethary. You don't know what a mithtake it would be if you jetht ignored me. In fakkhrtht*, you thould make thith battle a joke war." Then Soozie disappeared into on top of the table and has not been seen since.

In the end, it was decided to listen to Soozie's advice, and the third battle was turned into a joke war. Funny sayings like "a car wash is like a cat without wheels" were put up around the perimeter of the battle area. Joke books were going to be put inside the guns to replace bullets, but they wouldn't fit. Jak the Yak was the first one to tell a joke. He said, "what do you call a lemon eating a cat?" Unfortuately, as he spoke, the sound waves knocked over the table. Seconds later, a deck of cards fell out of the sky from a passing card shark and landed on the side of the table, miraclously balancing on the edge. The armies of the Cap't'lists and Communists then began playing cards. However, when the deck of cards fell over, everyone fainted from shock. Before they could regain consciousness, a peach roughly the side of a marble and resembling a Mars Bar in many ways fell down and killed the 67 people who were around the table. Fortuantely, the table was unhurt.

Now Jak the Yak told another joke. It was, "how do you tell when your watch is wrong?" Another curious thing happened, involving a paper clip, a pencil, and the same table, which resulted in 27 deaths. The paper clip and the pencil ganged up on the table and brutally injured with several right hooks. The table was then catapulted into the wine-making part of France where it was interpreted as a sign from God by the wine-makers to file for bankruptcy. None of the wine-makers successfully made it to the bank because they suddenly were diagnosed (falsely) by the World Health Organization with a terminal illness.

Incidentally, at this point Idyl Brownn answered the joke: "Froopi kaloop abutoop poop." This was actually incorrect, but Jak the Yak could not tell Idyl Brownn that because Jak the Yak had launched into a tirade blasting the International Paint Co. for allowing paint to come in Orange. "Heys all of usses comrades," Jak the Yak said. "Thisses International Paint Co. is terrrible yaaaaaa, moorr terrrible than even usses comrades, and usses comrades thought, yaaaaaaaaaa, that usses comrades was prrrrrrretty terrrible, yaaaaaaaa."

At this point, the joke war and thus the Third Battle of the T.W.O.W. came to an abrupt halt when by a freak act of nature, the Azores and a small island in the South Pacific sunk under water. The South Pacific Island, known as Kirtiwata, was unihabited. The partakers in the T.W.O.W. were saved only when a passing jet managed to rescue them at the very last second. On the way to Boston, the partakers in the T.W.O.W. played gin rummy and backgammon.

The participants in the T.W.O.W. are enraged by the a lot of deaths, and they blame it on the air hogs. They are so annoyed at the air hogs, that they have figured out a way to stop the air hogs turning the fourth battle of the T.W.O.W. into a silly contest, which is to make up a silly contest themselves. This silly contest is expected to be a staring contest. The fourth battle of the T.W.O.W. will happen in the back of an abandoned pickup truck, in either late October, or early November. The second battle of Hilda will be in five days.

*fact

NEWS FLASH. NEWS FLASH. NEWS FLASH.

New information about the secret society, previously known as Phaag'oorin, and now simply known as Phaag'oorin has just been discovered seconds ago. The information consists of only three facts. The first fact is that Phaag'oorin sprung up out of nowhere. The second is that the goal of Phaag'oorin is to infiltrate the northern hemisphere. Since they have already accomplished that, they are hurriedly trying to think of a new goal. The third and final fact is that if you rearrange the letters in Yotte, Grugular, Phebby and Orquavous's names, you get "Yogu larbou phruvgy ot a teb quers", which in Phaag'oorinian, means "we are the ones who will infiltrate the northern hemisphere".

Death of Jaja Bebe Compels The World to Enter the State of Mourning

Yesterday, Jaja Bebe was found dead in a tree at 61º34'44.02" N 79º48'16.86" W.
The tree was known as a maple tree, nut is now being called a lamaple maple tree for reasons unkown. According to a local official by the name of Eddy, this is how Jaja Bebe died. "I think he sealed his fate when he woke up that fateful morning of Ocotber 5, 2005, when he had Raisin Bran for breakfast instead of Rice Krispies. I am a firm believer in the power of RIce Krispies. There is something truly magical about 'Snap, Crackle and Pop' that one just cannot find in any other cereal. I remember a time back when I was just sixteen years of..." Eddy went on for some time in this fashion, and is in fact still going on. At this point in time he has yet to talk about Jaja Bebe actually died. After talking about cereal, he talked about colleges, the welfare system, acorns, apple slices, prescription drugs, non-prescription drugs, facial expressions and the political implications an overhaul of the national economy would have. To be concise, Jaja Bebe died of an overdose of reality. This is a very common cause of death, abut doctors are still struggling with it, and the finest minds in the country have made significant progress by naming this cause of death: Exybylatiotitis Femustrulitis Gyroblation. Roughly translated it says, "a cause of death".

Upon hearing the news that Jaja Bebe was dead, a man named The World, went into the State of Mourning which was admitted to the union in 1997. The World was a close friend of Jaja Bebe's, and had this to say. "O! Mercy to those blessed with the powers. And by the will of God the Almighty, Jaja Bebe will return and take up the mantle to which he was rightfully born, the role as the King of Everything."

The State of Mourning is made up of parts of Nebraska, Iowa and Soviet Russia. It will be open to the public June of 2007.

Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ Thwart Jacob and Benjy's Second Attempt to Get the MCAS Disbanded With Enormousurmous Intellect and a Bit of Luck

Today, Jacob and Benjy, the current members of the E.U.G.W.J., decided that now that the MCAS was restarted, they had to do something about it. So Jacob and Benjy decided that they should try to get the MCAS disbanded again. After all, they said, it was "unacceptable to let the MCAS destroy what they had worked so hard to accomplish." Ål, who at the time was floating on the treetops right over where Jacob and Benjy were, said that hadn't they really done the destroying by getting the MCAS disbanded, but Jacob and Benjy could not hear him. In fact, Jacob and Benjy could not hear anything.

This was in fact not because Jacob and Benjy were deaf, or that they were too self-absorbed to acknowledge the fact that there is anything else in the world besides them, but because Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ had sent Sveq and his children, Bveq, Pveq, Nveq and Zveq, to put a ball of wax coated with a relatively thick lamaple maple syrup in Jacob and Benjy's ear. The fivesome were clearly visible while sneaking up on Jacob and Benjy, but Jacob and Benjy thought the walruses were eggbeaters dressed up as walruses. The job was pretty easy, because Jacob and Benjy only have one ear, which they take turns using. After Jacob and Benjy noticed they had wax in their ear, they debated what to do about. They could always pull it out, but that would involve moving their hands, something they were against doing. In the end, they decided they would live with it and continue with their noble quest.

So Jacob and Benjy marched to Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ's headquarters in the middle of the Rio Grande, and quickly and quietly enacted their plan. Their plan was simple. At the front entrance of Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ's headquarters, there is a sign saying "MCAS - Montreal Cohilition to Annihilate Saskatchewan". Jacob and Benjy would quickly change the sign to "SCAM - Saskatchewan Cohilition to Annihilate Montreal". When Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ saw the new title of their organization, they would hopefully be so thoroughly disgusted that they would be forced to disband their own group. They would be disgusted for two reasons. The first is that Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ would not want to be part of a scam for any purpose. The second is that Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ grew up in Saskatchewan, which is why they are trying to destroy it. Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ could not bear working for their home province, or trying to destroy Montreal.

Jacob and Benjy were almost a quarter of the way through when they were spotted by Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ. When Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ saw what they were doing, he immediately ordered a can of spray-paint. By the time they were finsihed doing this, Jacob and Benjy were over halfway finished. Then Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ abruptly and unexpectedly started doing the crossword puzzle at record speed. They did the Boston Globe crossword in twelve seconds, the New York Times in twenty-one, the Philidelphia Phammer in under an eighth of a second, and the Pittsburgh Plopper in 4 hours 31 minutes.

Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ then called the local stockbroker, by the name of Pete, and told him to come over for lunch and have a nice little chat. By this time, Jacob and Benjy were nearly finished. Then Peter arrived, saw the crossword puzzles, and bet Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ that he could do them even better. Then Pete started doing the crossword so abysmally that Jacob and Benjy felt obligated to help him. But then, at that moment, the can of spray paint arrived, and Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ spray-painted out "SCAM - Saskatchewan Cohilition to Annihilate Montreal", which Jacob and Benjy had nearly finished writing, and rewrote MCAS again. Then Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ arrested Jacob and Benjy for trespassing on private property. Unfortuantely, they put Jacob and Benjy under the custody of the E.U.G.W.J., who immediately released them for "confidential reasons."

Jacob and Benjy are said to be "disappointed" by the failure of their second attempt to get the MCAS disbanded, but, as they said, they did the best they could. The Lemmings and Penguins congruatulated Jacob and Benjy for a valliant effort, and a feast was declared in honor of scams and spam emails. Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ are greatly excited by their thwarting of Jacob and Benjy's plans, and so are the Walrus. Sveq said recently, "This triumph over Jacob 'n' Benjy 'sgood. 'Sgreat. This triumph 'llbring wonder 'n'excitement to all o'th'Walrus. I's greatly excited." It should be noted that at last, Jacob and Benjy removed the wax from their ear. The the location of the second battle of Hilda has been changed to inside the same lamaple maple tree that Sveq and his children got the lamaple maple syrup from.

50

The secret society known as Phaag'oorin has returned. They have infiltrated the northern hemisphere. They are not associated with anybody, they are an entity unto themselves. In essence, they are little more than, just that, little. But in reality, they number only 4 people. Their names are Yotte, Grugular, Phebby and Orquavous.

Jåçøb Found - In Separate Pieces

Today, slightly after three in the morning, Jåçøb, the co-leader of the MCAS, was found in an abandoned alleyway reading They Come and Go by Larry Forsschvhan wearing Mickey Mouse pajamas and a dunce cap. He was found in separate pieces. Such pieces included a strand of hair that, Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, a piece of Jåçøb's crystal ball, the Shed, Jåçøb's night light and a small colony of Zambian Gnus. Jåçøb was found by a group of 17 neo-conservatives who are rumored to work for the MCAS, shipped off in a matchbox, and taken to the MCAS's headquarters, which is in the Middle of the Rio Grande. Once Jåçøb had stopped preteding to be a muskrat and after the neo-conservatives took the matches out, Jåçøb immediately began to recount his adventures for the past 12 days. His story went something like this, the dashes representing Jåçøb's occasional heart attack:

"I's them found them World Hea - kkkzhth Organization them taking me in a laage backpack. I's being carried by them for sssss - schzpventy miles. After that darn while, I arrives at them's headquarters. They takes me and they q'estions me. I t - lmbrellls 'em not'n'. So they puts them Mickey Mouse pajamas and a dunce cap on me, an'I still tells 'em not'n'. Then they q'estions me for 'leven days straight: No stopp'n', no rest'n', no even myself time to thinkin' about them weather patterns. After 'while, they's decidin', an' t-t - tthhhe'ys decidin' that they's don't have no use for me, 'koz they hain't got no use for me. No is' bein' sorta annoyed b'this, 'koz y'know, I don' feel like feelin' useless, 'koz I hain't got no cause to feel like feelin' useless. So I says, 'Y'wanna piece o'me?' And they says, 'Sure, we'd like a piece o'ya,' and they takes a piece o'me, just like that." At this point he clapped his hands together to represent a garden hose having an meaningful conversation with a pickup truck. Then he continued. "So a'this point, them peoples from them World Hea - kkkzhth Organization starts debating what they sh'do with me, and in th'end, they decides that they hain't got no use for me, so they dumps me in an'abandoned alleyway, with all the pieces'o'me, then they puts me in sev'r'l pieces, and they gives me this book, they says 'in case ya'get booorred'. So I gets all such-an'-such int'r'sted in th'book, so I starts readin', 'til ya'guys come, and takes me here. So that's th'end o'my story."

At this point, Bêñjÿ came out of Nowhere, a popular trading ground in Kansas for baseball drugs and illegal cards, and said hello to Jåçøb, and asked him where he's been for the past 12 days. Jåçøb repeated his story. Then Bêñjÿ scolded Jåçøb for not trying to escape. "Yii kuud'v 'scaaep'd enii teim y'wann'd t'," Bêñjÿ explained, "ahll it'tuuk 'sum kuraj 'n'wiht." Then Jåçøb explained that he had been strapped in, and that the straps had been nailed to the floor with 16-ton nails. Then Bêñjÿ said that he was sorry about falsely accusing Jåçøb, and Jåçøb immediately forgave Bêñjÿ for falsely accusing him. Then the two went into their private conference room, which was in the middle of the street, and began discussing and urgent situation: It is rumored that Jacob and Benjy are going to try to get the MCAS disbanded again, and Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ have to thwart their plans this time. Also, they need to develop a strategy for the second battle of Hilda, which will be in 13 days. Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ's plan, as they recently have said, is "likely to succeed". The third battle of the T.W.O.W. will take place in 8 days, on the October 10.

The Llamas Consider Reverting to Anarchy

Today, at a press conference, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu announced that the llamas are considering reverting to anarchy again. His speech went something like this: "Them llamas is nots feeling goods so far 'bout that communism, not with theys peasants not likings that communism. And nows we is considering us going us back to that thing, anarchy, what months 'n' months 'go, we is livings by. We is used us living by anarchy what months 'n' months 'go, we is anarchists 'fore we is communists, and we's happies. And us people is them happy." Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu did not get any further before people started asking him if he'd like a lemon sherbert, and he was so overwhelmed that he immediately hid in front of the microphone.

It turns out that the llamas have been questioning the basis of communism for the past few days, not only because of the peasant revolt, but because of the works of Bewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu's cousin and former druggie. Bewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu has recently published a book called the Good Old Days, in which he describes how the llamas behaved before Communism, and why they should go back to anarchy. The llamas, being brainwashed upon their joining to the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R., which was called the W.X.Y.Z. at the time, have no memory of the pre-Communist days. But Bewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu escaped brainwashing, so he remebers, and his book has sparked back memories. "I feels like I's is almost remembering something," said a llama who wishes to remain anonymous for "confidential reasons".

Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu said after he had been finished being offered lemon sherbert that he is ambivalent to the new anarchist movement, but that only convinced people that he is all for it. In fact, in Zak the Yak's book about the history of the T.W.O.W. already says that the llamas are not currently affiliated with the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu then said that the llamas are only saying that they might consider reverting to anarchy, but that only increased the publics' opinion that the llamas are leaving the Communists.

As for the T.W.O.W., the third battle will definitely be in the Azores on October 10th. The second battle of the T.W.O.W. was declared a draw. The second battle of Hilda will presumably be on October 15th, in the same Montreal City Dump that the Communists got as a reward for winning the first battle of the T.W.O.W. The participants in the T.W.O.W. and Hilda are rarin' to go.

The Septuplets

In light of recent events, Benjy has written a third part to his "the Apocalypse" series (see "Benjy writes the Cliffs"), called "the Septuplets". He says that the process is going "very slowly", having started writing "the Apocalypse" in mid-May, and only being on part 3 in late September, and he might abandon "the Apocalypse" soon. Here is the Septuplets:

Glued to the table,
The Eyes move South to the night –
Ever Growing West

Those Eyes are not His,
He moves East, onward to Plû;
For the sake of Yore.

The Abused Children;
He sees None of them, as He
Slinks along the Path

The Horses and Frogs:
They are Up with the Humans
For they have Manors.

The orange sun rose
Into the corners of Plû,
The Field of Rabbits

There it is, not far:
Only two days’ hike away,
As he Journeys On

He knows he has Cracked;
Like an Egg that has been Smashed –
But he does not Care.

Such is the Tide-Break
That he is hindered by None –
Causes Commotion

At last he is close;
He can Sense it with his Pus
Oozing out of Dark.

Then he sees the sight;
The feeling, the melting calm –
He knows he is Done

He sees: Two People
Clothed in linen and Fat grease
He knows who they are.

He says to the Two:
“There are seven. You are two.
How can this be true?”

The Two; they reply,
“Septuplet is Our last name.
That’s how it can be.”

“Now I understand
That you are going to try
To invade the Spa.”

He says in Surprise,
“No! I was going right now
To the Land of Death.”

They say in Chorus,
“Going involves invading.
Now, you, do you see?”

“Yes, I see,” he says,
Seeing, and, at the same time,
Not Seeing at all

NEWS FLASH. NEWS FLASH. NEWS FLASH.

The leaders of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. met minutes ago in the Iouapthrhsh Peninsual, just southeast of Montreal, to discuss an amendment to the Zdydldedrish Constitution. After many weeks of debating, the amendment was agreed to look like this:

Amendment IX to the Zdydldedrish Consitution: Of the Standard Prodedure to Deal with Mass Revolts about the Government from Dudes

Proposed: September the Twenty-Sixth in the Year of Two Thousand and Five

1. All those dudes revolting, are to be classified as Type C Dangerous Subtances.
2. They shall further be stamped with little sticky notes that say "FRAGILE" and "THIS SIDE UP" and "BIODEGRADABLE THINGS ARE PLAIN OUT COOL".
3. If those dudes revolting complain about this being done to them, they shall be upgraded to Type D Dangerous Substances.

The amendment could take as short as 12 years or as long as 12 years and 3 weeks to be ratified and accepted into the Zdydldedrish Consitution

Mass Peasant Revolt Leads to Questions About the Morality of Communism and the General Opinion of Communism

Today, at high noon, the largest peasant revolt in nearly five months occurred when nearly 756 peasants led by Fak the Yak joined in on a mass peasant revolt. The species of the revoltees were yaks, emus, llamas, and zebras. In this revolt, the peasants donned ragged toothpaste tubes, old 80's pop music CD's, and $1,000 dollar suits to represent their great poverty. Then, to represent the brutality imposed on them by the leaders of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R., they painted green streaks across their backs, their chests, their faces, and their pet cockroaches. They were going to paint red streaks to represent blood, but they thought that their revolt might get rated R if they did that. Then the peasants stated that they were revolting, and that if the government did not make an amendment to the Zdydldedrish Constitution*, they would actually put their revolt into action. The peasants started signing a 46-minute song about freedom and how their freedom is being taken away, 17 minutes into which government official came and bribed them to stop for "the sake of the common people".

Although this revolt is so far unsuccessful, it may take new ground in the future, and then the government might be forced to take real action, but this possibility is unlikely. The biggest danger is that the revolt will persuade many people to question morality of the government and the General opinion of communism. This does not mean the general opinion, as in the common opinion, but the opinion of Slak the Yak, the famous yak general for the Communists. Slak the Yak always supported communism. "Heys all of usses Comrades," he said once. "All of usses yauks. Wesis communists, yaaa. Andz wes all of usses should us selves be us communists, kauz it'zz riiet, yaaaaaaa." Now people are wondering if Slak the Yak was being bribed to say all this. The leaders of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. are all holding their breaths about the situation. Jak the Yak and Zyggi the Zebra have already passed out.

*Zdydldedrish Constitution (ZDID-l'd-ed-rish kaun-sti-TOO-shun): The consitution of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. A bit skewed and twisted.

The Elephants Challenge the Lemmings for the Title of A.S.S.

Today, Idyll Brown and Idyl Brownn announced that they were challenging the Lemmings to the title of A.S.S in a public speech. It wasn't clear from their public speech that they were doing this, but they had so many signs showing "Lemmings = A.S.S." crossed out, and so many signs that said "Elephants = Real A.S.S." A.S.S. is an acronym for "Almighty Supreme Species", if you didn't already know. So far, since the Lemming Hypothesis was proved over three months ago, no species challenged the Lemmings to the title of A.S.S., but when the Lemmings won the first battle of Hilda, many people thought it had something to do with the Lemmings being the A.S.S. The elephants thought that if they became the A.S.S., they might have this power. So the elephants challenged the Lemmings to the title of A.S.S.

Immediately after Idyll Brown and Idyl Brownn's public speech, they began starting a mob of anit-Lemmingists determined to overthrow the Lemmings as A.S.S. They slowly chanted, "Bloop droop roopa moopi loop." Those who were too young or too important to prounce the OO sound could replace them with OU's. The Lemmings were so alarmed by this mob that they decided to negotiate with them. Every month, the Elephants and Lemmings would have a three-hour debate about who is the A.S.S. This would go on until one party admits defeat. This will not be a full-scale war, since two wars are already going on. It will only be called a conflict. If a more intresting synonym for "conflict" is found, then it will be called that. The first three-hour debate will take place some time in October, and so will the second battle of Hilda.

Ål Wins the Cool Duel and Thus the E.U.G.W.J. Wins the First Battle of Hilda

Today, Ål and Bêñjÿ faced each other for the Cool Duel in which both people would attempt to ramble on and on about their life and still not bore their opponent. The Walrus, having no major part in the First Battle of Hilda so far, were allowed to be spectators for the cool duel. They were also allowed to make a grand opening for the Cool Duel. They did this by catapulting smokestacks at Ål and Bêñjÿ until the World Health Organization complained that Ål and Bêñjÿ might get the flu. These smokestacks were imported directly from Norway, the word "directly" meaning that Sveq carried them with his tusks from Norway to Northern Canada in a perfectly straight line, swimming across the Norwegain Sea, walking across Greenland, and finally, after some more swimming and walking, arrived in th'Høl. The entire catapulting process had took 3 hours and 41 minutes.

After this fiasco, the Cool Duel really started. Ål and Bêñjÿ faced each other, turned their backs, took three steps, faced each other again, took three steps toward each other, and began telling each other about their life's stories, their secret ambitions, and their least favorite volleyball teams. Ål's story began thus: "I arest thy Lemmings. I was born by thy Lemmings, raised by thy Lemmings, and taught how to do a good goose imitation by thy Lemmings. I wast born in a log cabin five miles north of Elsewhere, the Next Great City. Mine family doest careth for me as they dist whenst I werest but an kipling." Bêñjÿ did not get bored, but the Walrus did, so bored that they started falling asleep, dying, or going out of their minds. Going out of your mind is an unusual experience, quite unlike having your mind go out of your body. When you go out of your mind, your body moves five feet to the left, and your brain falls down onto the ground before it gets taken away by a herd of wild cabbages. However, at this point, Bêñjÿ began.

He said, "Eii waarz bo'orghn reeit ne'ix to a gorr'ej t'enny feiit de'ip an' thraee feiit weide. Azh sho'oorn azh eii waarz bo'orghn, meii paaringtz domp'phd meii eenta th'gorr'ej." Then Bêñjÿ went on to a fifty-minute story about how he was found later by a group of eight-foot-tall fanatics who brought him up as a carving knife. Ål could not help but get bored, and thus, he won. It was debated for a while whether there should be some sort of prize for winning, but it was eventually decided that in an economical war, you fight and try to win for "a greater good". The E.U.G.W.J.'s victory has made some people wonder whether is has something to do with Lemmings owning you, and soon some species might challenge the Lemmings as the A.S.S. in hopes to gain power. The third battle of the T.W.O.W. will still take place on October 10th in the Azores.

Hilda Begins

After the rain cleared up after being paid $5,000, the battle could finally start. For a good 2 hours and 27 minutes, the E.U.G.W.J. and MCAS all just stared at each other, unsure of what to do. This was because they didn't know what "economical" meant (they had only picked that word because its number of letters was exactly 5% of the number of children Ål had), so they were not sure what to do. Then, in a spurt of realization, Mål, Ål's third cousin and former bookie, picked up a stack of 100-dollar bills and threw it at Jåçøb. Jåçøb immedately screamed, commented on what a nice day it was, and then collapsed onto the ground, but not before saying, "I'll be back." It turned out that to Jåçøb, the phrase "I'll be back" referred not to the fact that Jåçøb would wake up, it referred to the fact that Jåçøb was in fact, as the World Health Organization had suspected, a very small virus masquerading as Jåçøb. With Jåçøb temporarily out of the battle, everyone muttered their apologies, even the ones who hadn't done anything, and the battle continued.

Now everyone began seriously debating what the battle was about. For a while, they were satisfied that it was about throwing money, but that sounded too much like something out of the most watched show on Lemming T.V., "I Hate Every Last One of You Except for Clarence". Thus, 3 hours and 14 minutes of debating ensued, 3 hours and 5 minutes of which were silence. Then, at last, a decision was reached - they would argue about the political implications of free-market economies, the rising price of guavas, and the meaning of the word "Go", among other things.

The debate about the political implications of free-market economies began when representatives from the World Health Organization burst in and took Jåçøb away in a large backpack. After that interruption, Uål, Ål's underachieving personal nail clipper suggested that he clip Ål's nails. The E.U.G.W.J. and MCAS stood in disbelief as Uål proceeded to clip Ål's nails with a zeal unmatched since the time of Ål's grandfather, Gregor III. After that interuption, Bêñjÿ had this to say about the political implications of free-market economies, "F'ee maa'kit iconn'meez s'baad. T't'they'z 'orgible." At this point, Queen Elizabeth XXVIII could not take this blunt statement anymore and she kicked Bêñjÿ in the big toe. But Bêñjÿ nevertheless continued. "Eii 'aets'em. Eii kazn't starnd'em. Eii wontz'em ahll dea'd." Seeing this quarrel elevate to an unthinkable maximum, Jacob and Benjy had to intevene. They announced that the First battle of Hilda would be decided in a one-event competition. This would be called "the Cool Duel." In the Cool Duel, Ål and Bêñjÿ would face each other, turn their backs, take three steps, face each other again, take three steps toward each other, and begin telling each other about their life's stories, their secret ambitions, and their least favorite volleyball teams. The first one to get bored would win. The competition will take place tomorrow.

The Walrus are shocked by the outcome of this first battle, but in the end they said it was only natural for it to end this way. Sveq said at a press conference today, "This firs' battle 'snatural. 'Snormal. This battle 'llbring naturalness 'n'normality to all o'th'Walrus. I's greatly excited." As for the second battle of the T.W.O.W., it was declared over, since the leaders of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. and the Cap't'lists are still wandering after five days. The third battle of the T.W.O.W. will take place on October 10th in the Azores, although this date is subject to change if the leaders of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. and the Cap't'lists are still wandering by that date.

First Battle of Hilda

Place: Cap't'lists' Hindquarters

Date: September 20, 2005
Money Lost:
E.U.G.W.J: $0.00
MCAS: $0.00
Total Money Lost: $0.01
Money Gained:
E.U.G.W.J: $0.00
MCAS: $0.00
Total Money Gained: $0.02
Hurt:
E.U.G.W.J.: 0
MCAS: 1*
Total Hurt: 1

*Not only was Jåçøb hurt, but he was also carried away in a large backpack by a represenatative of the World Health Organization. His whereabouts are unknown. If you see him, please call Us, the Drug Smugglers on our cell phone. He was however last sighted wearing Mickey Mouse pajamas and a dunce cap.

NEWS FLASH. NEWS FLASH. NEWS FLASH.

Due to rain in the area around the Cap't'list Hindquarters, the First Battle of Hilda has been delayed until September 20th. The E.U.G.W.J. has formally withdrawn from the 2008 Olympics on account of the delay.

The Second Battle of the T.W.O.W. Takes place in the Gobi Desert with an Intense Round of Mad Libs

Second Battle of T.W.O.W.
Place: Gobi Desert
Date: September 15, 2005
Casualties:
Communists: 0
Cap't'lits: 2*
Total: 2
Total Casualties of T.W.O.W.
Communists: 1
Cap't'lits: 2
Total: 3

Today, Jak the Yak, Nüt, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, and Zyggi the Zebra faced Smorgasborg, Ølåf, Idyll Brown, and Idyl Brownn mongered to the Gobi Desert after a three-day march without food or water. Unexpectedly, there were no interruptions, such as an argument about who can shoot the farthest like last time, or whose socks are cooler. Just as the battle was about to begin, the air hogs appeared out of nowhere, led by Soozie. Soozie held up a Mad Libs booklet, then said, "You really need to do thome Mad Libth. It'th really nethethary. It would be a mithtake if you jutht ignored me. In fact, you thould make thith battle a Mad Libth contetht." After much disputing, it was agreed that the should listen to Soozie and turn the battle into a Mad Libs match.

So Jak the Yak, Nüt, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, and Zyggi the Zebra faced Smorgasborg, Ølåf, Idyll Brown, and Idyl Brownn got prepared for an intense round of Mad Libs. The round took place in the middle of the Gobi Desert, and began when a rock roughly the size of New Jersey and resembling a peach in many ways crash landed just south of where the Communists and the Cap't'lists were. The rock, is now a major topic of contraversy among the forward-thinking astrologers who claim it was sent to Earth by the Intergalactic Travelers (see "The Intergalactic Travelers") as an Anniversary Present.

Meanwhile, the intense round of Mad Libs was still in session. The first Mad Lib was given to the Communists by Smorgasborg. The Mad Lib was one sentence, and went like this:

Sometimes we all want a little noun and relaxation.

Jak the Yak immediately put in the word "sad". At this point, Idyll Brown and Idyl Brownn pointed out that sad is actually an adjective. Zyggi the Zebra protested this saying that "sad" is a noun. Zyggi the Zebra then killed Idyll Brown and Idyl Brownn by hurling day-old hamburgers at them. But Idyll Brown and Idyl Brownn were reincarnated. The only problem was that they reincarnated in Iowa, and as many people already know,

Quintessetially,
Iowa is Iowa-
It's mediocre

After that, the Mad Lib portion of the Second Battle of the T.W.O.W. stopped briefly when everybody went to sleep after considering that the statement "I are funner than you am" might be grammatically incorrect.

When everyone woke up, everybody was thoroughly depressed by the thought of another Mad Lib, so Jak the Yak, Nüt, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, Zyggi the Zebra, Smorgasborg, and Ølåf wandered off in search of a good pub. Rumor has it that they are still wandering.

*Idyll Brown and Idyl Brownn were reincarnated later in Iowa.

Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ return - Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ Restart the MCAS with the Walrus as Allies

Today, leaders of the MCAS (Montreal Cohilition to Annihilate Saskacthewan) Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ returned from the norternmost parts of Canada after being away for 76 days. They arrived in Montreal, and announced that they are restarting the MCAS. The MCAS, was disbanded on May 25 due to the actions of Jacob and Benjy, but now Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ feel prepared to start it again. This is because of the new alliance that Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ have with the Walrus. The Moose used to work for the MCAS. When Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ decided to restart the MCAS, they asked the Moose if they would join again, but the Moose said no, they have Cap't'lism going now, and they are perfectly happy. So during the summer, Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ visited the Walrus and tried to persuade them to join. For 75 days, Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ tried with no success. Then yesterday, in desperation, they told the Walrus that they would get paid if they joined.

The northernmost parts of Canada are known to be very poor, and the inhabitants of those parts are jealous of the Saskatchewaners. Its is rumored among those parts that some Saskatchewaners are so rich that they can afford to buy a car, and that you don't have to have connections with the U.S. government to buy one. It is also rumored that over half the population in Saskatchewan are so rich that they can afford enough food for them to eat. They have about a hundred other ridiculous rumors, and so the walrus thought that if they invaded Saskatchewan, they would get more wealth. But his was still not enough for them to join. However, when Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ told them that they would get paid, they decided at last to join. Filled with the desire to distibute the wealth more evenly and under the delusion that Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ would keep their promise and actually pay them, the Walrus are now part of the MCAS. Sveq said about this alliance, as the Walrus like to call it, "This alliance 'sgood. 'Sgreat. This alliance 'llbring wonder 'n'excitement to all o'th'Walrus. I's greatly excited."

When Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ found out that the MCAS was now part of a war between the E.U.D.W.J., they were at first greatly annoyed. "Them Lemmings is entrin' us in them wars that we don't know about," said Jåçøb. "I hain't got no cause to join them war, 'koz I hain't got no cause to join them war." But when Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ found out it was an economical war, their opinions changed. The Lemmings' budget was 35 cents, and Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ's budget was $350,000,000. When Jacob and Benjy found out that the MCAS was restarted after they had disbanded it, they were said to be "disappointed." But after a few hours of screaming and yelling, they calmed down, and said that they had done well to keep the MCAS disbanded for 109 days. As they said, they had "done their part."

Lemmings Find a War

Today the Lemmings found a war. The war, whose name was Hilda, was hiding in a box. The box was about to be shipped off to Cap't'list Headquarters, but just then Ål (who had finally recoved from the drinks), burst in and opened the box. Facing the throngs of left-handed sociopaths that wanted Hilda, he took war out of the box, threw it to Sål, who was a whopping 1 foot 3 inches away, and the war was immediately transferred to the Lemmings' headquarters. Hilda is now under custody of the Lemmings. Ål had this to say on the capture of Hilda, "Methinks that this rogue Hilda wildt now be under thy custody of thoust Lemmings, the A.S.S." At that point, the throngs of Lemmings went wild and shaved their left eyebrows as a show of good faith, and Ål was so shocked by the idea that people admire him that he fainted, and was taken away to a hospital.

Now that the Lemmings, have found a war, they will use it against Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ in an economic war that will be known, of course, as Hilda. Hilda will be about the political implications of free-market economies, the rising price of guavas, and the meaning of the word "Go", among other things. As you know, Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ will get back from their visit with the Walrus tomorrow. Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ know nothing of Hilda, but they will be informed at a meeting with Ål and Ål Jr. on Monday in Detroit. The first battle of Hilda will be expected to start on September 19th, in the Cap't'lists' hindquarters.

Jacob and Benjy Wake Up Out of Their Coma - Kåp’pål’ønç Wakes Up - Jacob and Benjy Released - The Lemmings Decide To Still Remain Neutral

Today, after being in a coma for 86 days, Jacob and Benjy finally woke up. They found themselves at an exhibit at the local science museum (actually, they were the exhibit). They calmly got up without saying anything, did their usual early morning 50,000 push-ups, put on their "I Love New York" T-shirts, demanded money from passersby, ordered food from the local McDonalds with their stolen money, wandered around for a while, and then eventually stumbled into a teleporter that transported them into Montreal, right into the Cap't'lists headquarters. There they found Kåp’pål’ønç, who had been asleep for 98 days (see "Jacob and Benjy Refuse to Surrender - Zebus to Get Jåçøb and Bêñjÿ out of Jail"), and prodded him and kicked him around, until after a few hours, he woke up. Kåp’pål’ønç yawned and asked how long he had been asleep. Jacob and Benjy said they didn't know. At this point, however, Smorgasborg came and saw Jacob and Benjy.

Smorgasborg immediately put his water gun on their faces, and demanded to know the secret plans of the Communists. Jacob and Benjy said they didn't know anything. "Wike'y sto'y," said Smorgasborg, but he did not interrogate them any further. Instead, he took them to the Cap't'lists' hindquarters, where the leaders of the Cap't'lists were to decide what to do with them. At first, everyone said to kill them now, because they knew too much. Jacob and Benjy calmly screamed that they didn't know anything, and how could they know anything when they had been in a coma for almost three months. They were questioned on every detail of the Cap't'lits plans, and eventually it was decided that Jacob and Benjy did not know anything.

The Cap't'lists decided eventually to let Jacob and Benjy go. After all, they had no use for them, and they didn't even know why they had captured him in the first place. They also released them for political reasons: the Lemmings used to be on the Cap't'lits' side, but they went away when Jacob and Benjy fell into a coma. Maybe if they released Jacob and Benjy, the Lemmings would join their side again. However, it was not so. The effects of the drinks were beginning to wear off, and the Lemmings were now firmly held to the belief that they should not join. The Cap't'lists are said to be "disappointed". Jacob and Benjy immediately ran off to the Lemmings' headquarters, which was right next to the Cap't'lits' headquarters, and joined the Lemmings and Penguins. The E.U.D.W. is now being renamed the E.U.D.W.J. (Efud Uudoor God Woorduurd Jacob'n'Benjy). The Lemmings had officially decided not to join the T.W.O.W. However, they might find their own war to participate in. The second battle of the T.W.O.W. will still take place in the middle of the Gobi Desert.

The Penguins Look on in Shock, Awe, Fear - Lemmings Join Penguins - The Second Battle to Be in the Middle of the Gobi Desert

Queen Elizabeth XXVIII, leader of the Penguins, spoke from Buckingham Palace near the South Pole, in Antarctica. Queen Elizabeth XXVIII spoke on the T.W.O.W. and the plans of the Penguins. "Efud lod udroon, edoorded god oduur. Ed udroon god edroa wedrood. Pooder god ed duur uud oard. T.W.O.W. god ed oorduur Efud. Efud udroon edroa uudwer orweed druud" Roughly translated, this says, "The Penguins look on in Shock, Awe, Fear. The T.W.O.W. affects our stock market and it makes it hard for the average Penguin to maintain a life. However we will join as a third party if need be." These remarks prompted the Lemmings to contact Queen Elizabeth XXVIII, and now the Penguins have joined the Lemmings as the E.U.G.W. (Efud Uudoor God Woorduurd). The Second battle of the T.W.O.W. has been agreed to be in the Gobi Desert on September 15, on the four-month anniversary of Foghorn.

This new and unusual alliance has prompted the Cap't'lists to become very anxious. Hnorsgh became worried that the influence of the drinks would wear off, since penguins hardly ever drink liquor. So the Cap't'lists planned an assasination of Queen Elizabeth XXVIII. Last night, when Queen Elizabeth XXVIII was asleep, Smorasborg snuck into his bedroom and pointed a pistol into her face. Unfortunately, he forgot to fire. After a while, he assumed the job was finished (after all, he had no reason to think it was not), and went away. Queen Elizabeth XXVIII was asleep the whole, but he somehow still knew about it. Queen Flizabeth MMDCCC said at a press conference recently, "Egud wogdug wurf eg gorfud. Eg worfuguud og edrog wordgorf." This means, "It was a clever assasination attempt. It's a pity it didn't succeed."

The Lemmings Get Back

Today, in Montreal, the Lemmings staggered out of their $320,000 cars that they had splurged on just to make a grand opening ("af'er all, I thi'kst we'st gots to make a gran' op'ning," said Ål drunkenly). They are not sure how they will pay for their cars, as their budget is 35 cents, but they are sure that it was still worth it. The first thing the Lemmings said after they got out is that they should somehow join the T.W.O.W., even though they had sworn not to. "I nows' we'st swore usselves not joines' th'waarrrr," said Ål, "bu' th'Lemmi'gs ares' thor'ly drunk'n thru' t'th'Lemming sooooul." Then Ål collapsed. He was immediately taken away by an ambulence and is now reported to be in "critical condition." The Lemmings continued discussing the possibility of joining the T.W.O.W., and immediately contacted the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. and the Cap't'lists and asked them if they could join the war, and, if so, on another's side or alone. The Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. said that they should join the war on their side, and if not, then not at all. "Heys all of usses might soon me Comrades," said Jak the Yak. "We is got us selves a waarr started, yaa. If youses gotza jorn the waarr, then jorn with usses, and if youses don't jorn yous selves, then don't jorn the waarr, yaaaaaaa." The Cap't'lists told them to join their side, and if not, as a different side or not at all. "Ow get youwsewf in a diffwent waw," said Hnorsgh. Both the Communists and Cap't'lists are trying to get the Lemmings to join their sides, and so far, the Lemmings have got over 3,000 T.W.O.W.-related emails today.

As for Yål's mission to spread Lemmingism all over the world, it went far better than anyone thought it would. They had expected one or two people to be converted, and at the most, three or four. Instead, nine people were converted. Their names are Jaja Bebe, Max Sofa, Beige Callsworthy, Osprey Jack, Fip Nørshåd, Smith Schärgzdenwærfer, Austrian Marks, and Capuccino Prax. All nine are said to be very devout followers. "They wilst be very devout followers, and they wilst followeth us until we lead them to a tall precipice and let them fall into everlasting brambles," said Yål. And as for Wål's book, the Daily Lemming, it is going extremely well. Nearly 90% of all sentences mention that Lemmings own you. You may expect to see an excerpt from the Daily Lemming soon (which means whenever we feel like adding one), at jacob-benjy-miscellaneous.blogspot.com.

The Communists Win the Fool Fight and the First Battle of the T.W.O.W.

Today, at high noon, Jak the Yak, Nüt, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, and Zyggi the Zebra faced Smorgasborg, Ølåf, Idyll Brown, and Idyl Brownn for the fool fight, the last part of a three-day competition to decide the outcome of the first battle of the incipient T.W.O.W. A group of 76.8 fools, who had been stored for use in the fool fight, were unleashed by order of foolishness, and were at once thrown around. The first fool was Fortnight Plock, a notorious bankrobber who had turned himself in for the reward money. When Plock was first thrown, he made sure he landed on his head so it would hurt less. The second fool was was Griphems Flemm, who led a rebellion against the U.S., and when the U.S. soldiers started closing in on him and his comrades, he decided he would "die for his country" and let them kill him. In the end, he got beheaded, a practice that was supposed to have stopped, and he only counts for .8 of a person. After the first five fools, the fools unleashed were just common fools, ordinary fools, or tomfools. After a while, the fools got tired of being thrown around, and decided that they would organize a revolt. Unfortunately, the revolt was foolishly planned, so it didn't work. Here's what happened: the Fools went up to Jak the Yak, telling him that they were planning a revolt. Jak the Yak, very calmly, said he was interested in their revolt, and he'd like to know the details. The Fools, being fools, told him everything. With this knowledge, the Communists and Cap't'lists were able to crush the revolt. Then the Communists and Cap't'lists punished the Fools, telling them they would have to get smarter. Then the fool fight continued. Eventually, Jak the Yak commented that he felt foolish doing this. This qualified as saying that this is a foolish thing to do, so the Communists won the fool fight, and the battle. So the first battle of the T. W. O.W. was decided. A used copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was delivered to the Communists today, and so was a baseball card of Willie Mays. The legal forms giving the Communists possession of the Montreal City Dump are being signed right now. The Communists now have the advantage, because the Cap't'lists are willing to pay any price for the used copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

The Cap't'lists Win the Mind-Wrestling

Today, Jak the Yak, Nüt, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, and Zyggi the Zebra faced Smorgasborg, Ølåf, Idyll Brown, and Idyl Brownn for the mind-wrestling, which was part of a three-day competition to decide the outcome of the first battle of the incipient T.W.O.W. First, Jak the Yak faced Smorgasborg. Mind-wrestling is where two people face each other, and try to wrestle each other to the ground with psychokinetic powers. Of course, it never works, but still, after one person's mind gets worn out, odd things can happen. With Bêñjÿ, his mind started attacking his own nose. But with Smorgasborg, an even stranger thing happened - he started to like 80's pop music. Without hesitation, he pulled out his secret iPod and started playing some of the worst music from the 80's. Within seconds, everyone was either moaning, unconscious, or covering their ears. Jak the Yak, in the brief telekinetc state induced by the mind-wrestling, telepathically summoned help. The help he got was the intergalactic travelers from "the Intergalactic Travelers". After decided that humans beings are totally wacked out, and that they need two or three aspirin, they went back on a 4.4-million-year journey to their home planet to get some aspirin. At their home planet, they decided they would just take over Earth. So they went on another 4.4-million year journey back to Earth. Then they got sucked into a freak wormhole that Jak the Yak's call for help had caused. The intergalactic travelers asked Jak the Yak what was the biggest city on Earth, so they could attack that city first. Jak the Yak responded honestly that there were several really big cities, such as New York, Tokyo, and London, and they should attack them all. Then the Communists sabotage the aliens' plan. After all, it was only their duty. They did this by teaching the aliens mind-wrestling. Soon, their minds were so worn out that they had to give up. However, they fixed the competition so that the Cap't'lists would win out of sheer annoyedness. The Cap't'lists won. The battle will be fully decided by the food fight, tomorrow.

The Communists Win the Handshake Duel

Today, Jak the Yak, Nüt, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, and Zyggi the Zebra faced Smorgasborg, Ølåf, Idyll Brown, and Idyl Brownn for the handshake duel, which was part of a three-day competition to decide the outcome of the incipient T.W.O.W. First, Jak the Yak fought Smorgasborg first. The procude went perfectly. Jak the Yak and Smorgasborg turned their backs, faced each other, turned their backs again, took three steps, faced each other again, ran up to each other, and engaged in a very thorough and energetic handshake. After much consideration by the imaginary judges, it was decided that Jak the Yak's handshake was more enthustastic, so the score was 1-0. Then Nüt faced Ølåf. Nüt's handshake was very forceful and energetic, but Ølåf's was so spectuacular that the imaginary judges (who were on the Communists' side in Jak the Yak's imagination) had to give in, making the score 1-1. Nüt then had a long talk with his coach about what he did wrong and how he could improve. By now it was about noon, so a lunch break was called, and enough hamburgers for the populace of the Communists and Cap't'lists were ordered. Unfortunately, they were ordered from McDonald's. Within seconds of their first bite, almost everyone was either moaning or was unconscious. Fortunately, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, Zyggi the Zebra, Idyll Brown, and Idyl Brownn brought their own food, so they could continue. Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu lost to Idyll Brown, making the score 1-2. Just before Zyggi the Zebra was to face Idyl Brownn, Idyl Brownn remembered he had been invited to a party that day, and that if he didn't leave now, he would have to run to it. The Cap't'lists were forced to forfeit. The mind-wrestling competition will take place tomorrow.

The T.W.O.W. Begins

First Battle of T.W.O.W.
Place: Montreal
Date: September 1, 2005
Casualties:
Communists:1
Cap't'lists: 0
Total Casuatlies: 1
Date: 9/1/2005

Today, in Montreal, the armies of the Cap't'lists and Communists met to begin the first battle, and mass crowds came to watcth the battle, and also to see the Post-Battle Show. Jak the Yak, Nüt, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, and Zyggi the Zebra were in front of the Communists, carry banners showing their side, their favorite baseball teams, and their favorite rock bands. Smorgasborg, Ølåf, Idyll Brown, and Idyl Brownn marched in through the opposite direction, carrying similar banners. Hnorsgh, being a coward, chose to watch the battle from the sidelines. Then Wak the Yak, the official spokesman for the Communists, sad, "Heys all of usses Comrades. We is all here to get us selves a waarr started, yaa." Then he began to list the leaders of the Communists and Cap't'lists, along with their titles, such as Expert Vole Paulter and Holder of the Record for most Sandwiches eaten in 30 Minutes. Just before the battle was about to begin, Jak the Yak and Smorgasborg got into an argument on which one can shoot better. It was only necessary they resolve the argument, to a target was placed 100 yards away for them to it, and the first one to hit it wins. Pretty soon both had used up their ammunition, to they decided to start a campaign to get more. Signs were put around the battlefield saying "give Jak the Yak and Smorgasborg all your ammunition, for the good of your country." Within seconds, they had everyone's guns. For an hour, they tried to hit the target, and they never hit it, but Jak the Yak was came with 200 feet of the target. At last, they exhausted all of the bullets, and they were forced to stop.

At this point, Wak the Yak decided that now that he had seen the true horrors of war, he could no longer bear to live. Using his secret bullet, he shot himself in between the eyes. Before he died, he told Smak the yak to take his place and his cat. There was a 15-minute funeral for Wak the Yak, and many long odes about him, which were mostly complaints about the Montreal plumbing system. After the funeral, Wak the Yak's body was burned, and his ashes were scattered in random places around the world, after everyone made sure that no one lived within five miles of those places. Then a law was made saying that anyone who mentioned Wak the Yak would be sentenced to 10 years in prison. "We's all mourninges them death o' Wak the Yak," said Bewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu's cousin. "In fact, I's almost sad." Then he started to wonder if he was really almost sad, but the police came and took him away before he could make up his mind.

Now the Communists and Cap't'lists started to wonder how they would fight, since they didn't have any more bullets. After many long and heated discussions, they decided they would have a three-day competition to decide who would win. Tomorrow, they would have a handshake duel, and they day after tomorrow, they would have a mind-wrestling competition. If any side won both those competitions, they would win the battle, and if not, they would have a fool fight on September 4, and whoever won the fool fight would win the battle. A fool fight is where you throw fools around until someone realizes that this is a foolish thing to do, and that person wins. Only the leader of the Communists and Cap't'lists will participate. Then another discussion arose: what do they get if they win? So far, no one had asked that question, since no one really cared, but now people asked that question. Another long and heated discussion arose, in which some insults were thrown, but eventually they came to a decision. The winning side of the battle would get a used copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, a baseball card of Willie Mays, and sole possession of the Montreal City Dump. The leaders of the Communists and Cap't'lists are currently preparing for the three-day competition.

The Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. and the Cap't'lists Leave for Their Cruises

Today, both the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. and the Cap't'lists started their voyages, each side only taking one canoe to reach their destinations. They only used one canoe because their budgets were only 25 cents, and the canoes were 20 cents each. The way that they were able to fit everyone on one canoe was simple: They stood on each other's shoulders throughout the voyage. Nüt said, "eet waren't so baad staending on anither's shalders, whot ware so baad was hauveeng anither staend on yer shalders." Therefore, Jak the Yak, Nüt, Gewaiewfaijwiuhiwfu, and Zyggi the Zebra got to sit on top, and all the peasants had to sit on the bottom. Both sides reached their first destinations without major incident, except for the air hogs. Having been accused of hogging all of the air, the air hogs decided to seeks their fortune in the ocean. Throughout the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R's voyage, the air hogs did nothing except swim real close to the canoe and tell extremely bad jokes, except for the time that they boarded the canoe and asked if anyone wanted car insurance. The Communists insisted that they already had insurance, but Soozie, the leader of the air hogs insisted, "You need to buy inthuranth. It'th really nethethary. You don't know what a mithtake it would be if ye jetht ingored me." After a while, the air hogs became such a nusaince that they bought insurance for 3 cents, giving them two cents for funding for the war. The Cap't'lists did not have any major incident with the air hogs, except for the occasional attempt to get the Cap't'lists to buy another canoe. The Cap't'lists refused, with many groans from the peasants. The Cap't'lists arrived in Jamaica at 11:58 p.m., and the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. arrived in Portugal at 11:57 p.m.

However, Zyggi the Zebra is not going with the rest of the Z.D.Y.D.L.D.E.D.R. on the Mediterranean cruise, but is instead, going to spend the summer in Siberia, looking for Smorgasborg. He is going to get revenge, but not in the old-fashioned way. When he finds Smorgasborg, he will challenge him to a game of poker, and he will rig the deck so that Smorgasborg will lose all of his money. but Zyggi's plan does not really matter, because Smorgasborg is not in Siberia, and in fact, he is going on the Caribbean cruise. Zyggi plans to go on a Siberian cruise during the summer, while he is searching for Smorgasborg. He will take a plane to Provideniya on the 26th, and he will stay there until July 2nd. Then he will spend July 2-15 traveling around the Sea of Okhotsk. After that, he will spend July 15th to August 2nd in Kamchatskiy. He will spend the rest of August visiting Srednekolymsk and Verkhenevilyuysk, and then he will go back to Montreal for the T.W.O.W. Ziggy said at a press conference yesterday, "Dude, if I'm going to spend my dudy days in Siberia, I might as will rock some places, and, like, maybe try to get a few joints on the way. At least it won't be hot there."